


A Broken Trust

by Khafushun, Nelioe



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, Christmas, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Break Up, Unrelated Fíli and Kíli
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-14 20:25:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13015482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khafushun/pseuds/Khafushun, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nelioe/pseuds/Nelioe
Summary: After the death of his parents and a bad breakup, Fili is all alone for Christmas this year. But an unexpected Christmas invitation gives him something to look forward to... up until he realizes his ex, Kili, will also be there.It's bound to be an awkward Christmas, to say the least. But perhaps Fili will finally find out why Kili left him.





	1. 14th December

**Author's Note:**

> Here's our contribution to GatheringFiKi's 12 Days of Christmas event! If everything goes according to plan, we'll have a new chapter posted for each day of the event :)

Fili groaned when his alarm went off, ripping him ruggedly from a deep sleep, the first he had in weeks. His hand crept from the warmth of the bed, fumbling for the cursed clock and hitting the snooze-button, bathing the room in blessed silence. With a sigh Fili opened his heavy eyes, wrinkling his nose at the darkness behind the curtains. It was far too early to get up, almost cruel, but it was just a couple more days until he was off work for the holidays.

His whole body felt stiff as he pulled himself into a sitting position, reaching for his alarm and shutting it off completely. Those business trips might be necessary, but it still didn’t change the fact that he always felt weary to the bone once he finally returned home. It was probably a matter of stress combined with switching beds every few days, that was if his bed for the night wasn’t a seat in a plane or a train. Hard, soft, narrow, almost upright, the list of inconveniences while traveling was long and not solely restricted to his accommodations for the night. After trips like this Fili would prefer taking the week afterwards off to recharge his batteries, but he still had to type a report and run his results by Thorin or another supervisor.

Oh well, the throbbing in his neck and the tiredness pulling his lids down like lead weren’t anything a hot shower and three big cups of coffee couldn’t heal. Therefore he heaved his heavy body from the bed, not bothering with the rumpled sheets as he stumbled towards the closet. He cursed when he stubbed his toe on the suitcase he’d left in the middle of the room the day before. Now he was awake for sure.

With a fresh towel obtained from the wardrobe, Fili headed towards the door, keeping his fingers off the light switch until he entered the bathroom. The light bit violently in his eyes not much later. For a second Fili had considered showering in the dark, but dealing with the bright lamps was inevitable. At least he could keep his eyes closed while the warm water ran over his body, allowing them to adjust to the brightness as his muscles relaxed under the heated spray, soothing the throbbing in his head.

Fili took his time, waited until he felt like a decent human being again, before he turned the tap off. The remaining parts of his daily routine were taken care of much faster, now that at least some energy had returned to his body.

Dressed in a neat suit he stopped at the mirror, assuring himself his long hair was secured duly by the hair tie. Giving his reflection a satisfied nod Fili put on his coat. He grabbed his briefcase and the travel mug with the coffee he’d prepared while brushing his teeth and left his apartment. The elevator was empty, satisfying his need for a quiet morning.

It was still dark when he stepped outside and it would be dark by the time he came home again. This was probably the most depressing part of the current season. The cold gust of air, hitting his exposed head, made him shiver. He hurried over to his car, gratefully taking a sip of his hot coffee as he walked.

The drive to Erebor Corp. took barely twenty minutes on this morning, no time lost by sitting in traffic and even the traffic light circuit wished him well today. After the rather sudden start into the day Fili could already feel his mood improve.

The first thing he noticed when he finally returned to the office were the Christmas decorations. Christmas garlands were wound through the main hall, wreaths adorned the doors to the other rooms and colourful, merry lights aided the neon lamps. When he’d left for his business trips people were still preparing for Thanksgiving, so seeing the office like this felt a little like a culture shock, even though he should’ve been prepared for the sight so close to the holidays. It did a great deed for the working atmosphere, but at the sight Fili was only reminded that this year’s Christmas would be the first he would spend completely on his own. His good mood evaporated immediately.

With slumped shoulders Fili shuffled towards his office. Like usual, he was the first to arrive from his department, sparing him from the sight of curious eyes that might notice his obvious misery otherwise. He didn’t want to allow these circumstances to depress him in such a manner, he’d always known this day would come eventually. But then he had gotten to know Kili… giving him hope that perhaps he never needed to experience Christmas alone after all…

Fili huffed.

“Stop thinking about it,” he told himself as he slumped into his chair.

He distracted himself by plunging into work. Occasionally he heard the voices of his colleagues, greeting each other as they arrived at the office or just stopping for a while in the main hall for a little chat. Fili meanwhile continued to type adamantly on the report regarding the locations of their company in Europe and Asia.

Only when his stomach made itself known around lunchtime did Fili emerge from his office. Fili bought a sandwich in the cafeteria, planning to get back to his office just when a familiar voice called his name.

“Fili! You are back!” Sigrid greeted him excitedly before she pulled him into a one-armed hug, mindful not to squish the sandwich against his suit.

“Yeah, I just got back yesterday,” Fili replied with a tiny smile.

“And you are already back at work?” she raised her eyebrows at him. “You should’ve taken the week off.”

“Tell that to the reports Thorin’s wants,” he chuckled.

Fili liked Sigrid, collaborating with her always lead to some of his best work. She wasn’t afraid to criticize his work, even though he was basically her supervisor, and regarded their projects from an angle Fili often didn’t consider. They complemented each other on the job.

“Well, seems like you got at least time for a lunch break,” she said with a grin. “Come over with me, I want you to meet someone.”

He had half a mind to protest, but under her warm gaze his sour mood seemed to melt away instantly and so Fili allowed her to take his hand and lead them to one of the tables. He greeted Ori, who was also having lunch with them, while Sigrid stepped behind a young man sitting at the table and put her hands proudly on his shoulders.

“Fili, this is my younger brother Bain. He is doing an internship in the marketing department.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” The nervousness was written all over Bain’s face, but when they shook hands Fili was met with a firm squeeze. A handshake could tell a lot about other people and Bain’s professional demeanour despite the obvious tension informed him that Sigrid’s younger brother had chosen the right department for his internship. “How do you like it so far?”

“It’s pretty cool but also super stressful. I actually didn’t expect them to give me that much to do,” Bain started to tell him animatedly. Out of the corner of his eyes Fili noticed Sigrid watching the young man fondly as she sat down next to him.

“Oh, I bet!” Ori jumped into the conversation. “They’re still looking for a suitable replacement for one of their former employees. You don’t really find a lot of people with the required experience.”

Fili tried to swallow the sudden lump in his throat by taking a bite from his sandwich, but instead of the desired help it only seemed to tighten the knot within him.

 _Don’t think about him_ , Fili told himself. _Just don’t think about him._

“So if you do a good job there might be a position for you here,” Ori continued, smiling at Bain who returned it excitedly.

“Really?” he wondered, literally vibrating in his seat.

“Of course,” Sigrid agreed. “Good employees are hard to find. More often than not you will find people with lousy working habits applying for a job here. They think working for a big company like Erebor Corp. is easy money.”

“Speaking of,” Ori turned his head and was now looking right at Fili, his eyes shining with expectations, “have you already heard? We got ourselves the first Christmas miracle.”

The bright smile spreading over Ori’s features dispelled the uncomfortable feeling from his chest, replacing it with curiosity instead. Fili glanced at Sigrid, who seemed to catch Ori’s hint immediately if her huge grin was anything to go by.

Fili swallowed the bite of his sandwich hurriedly. “What’s going on?”

“Alfrid’s contract wasn’t extended,” Ori told him gleefully.

His eyes widened in disbelief. “No way,” he gasped. “Really?”

Alfrid had always seemed like the kind of guy that got away with anything, regardless of how sleazy he acted, simply because he had a talent of only showing his awful personality when hardly any witnesses were around. But there was no mistaking Ori’s enthusiastic nod.

“You didn’t happen to have anything to do with it, did you?”

Fili snorted. “As much as I would love to take credit for getting rid of that snake, he wasn’t in my department.”

“Pity,” Ori huffed. “I’m still trying to figure out to whom I should send a gift basket for relieving me of his presence.”

“You could always send it to Thorin,” Fili pointed out.

The other choked on a sip of his water. Sigrid leaned over the table to slap Ori helpfully on the back as the redhead coughed. Ori’s complexion had turned almost crimson when the coughing fit finally ebbed away, the shocked expression in his watery eyes stayed the same however.

“I’m not sending Thorin anything. He is scary!” Ori hissed in a lowered voice, or perhaps it was just the aftermath of swallowing water the wrong way.

“He isn’t that scary,” Fili defended his boss automatically.

“Of course you would say that, you were about to belong to his family not long ago!”

His words felt like a slap, requiring every ounce of his self-control to keep himself from flinching physically. Not even the obvious regret on Ori’s features was able to lessen the blow. It had hit a wound that was still raw around the edges, breaking open occasionally and bleeding all over again. Fili had loved in a way he’d never loved before. The first relationship after his parents had passed away, during a time when commitment had sounded like a cruel promise. And yet he’d opened his heart anyway, because he hadn’t been able to resist the immense pull that had seemed to draw him and Kili together. In the end, though, it had left him with the same pain, and the emptiness he’d feared all along.

And now a reaction was expected of him. Words were expected from him. Possibly accepting an apology was expected of him and he wanted to deal with none of these things, just wanted to return to his office, lock himself in and wait until it was time to go home. What one simple sentence could unleash would probably always surprise him.

However, neither he nor Ori were given the chance to find a solution, for another person stepped up to their table.

“How are you doing?” Balin greeted them, if he had listened to their conversation he didn’t show it. “I hope you are all enjoying your lunch?”

The time the others took to reply gave Fili a moment to organize his thoughts and smother his features into a neutral expression.

“I’m really sorry to interrupt your well-deserved break, Fili, but Thorin wants to see you.”

Fili frowned. “I’m not finished with the reports yet,” he explained carefully.

He wasn’t sure if he was ready to meet with Thorin of all people right now, not when some of his old wounds had been reopened just now.

“That’s quite alright, it’s not about the reports.”

Fili couldn’t quite believe it, since he wasn’t able to think of any other reason that would require his presence at the moment. Most parts of the company were about to take a mandatory break, since there usually weren’t any orders or requests coming in between the holidays and the new year. There really shouldn’t be any urgent matters that needed to be discussed. Fili refrained from arguing nonetheless, suddenly feeling too exhausted to pick up a fight.

 

*

*

 

Thorin was already waiting for him just like Balin had said. The other smiled at him reassuringly as if he could sense Fili’s tension and pointed at the seat in front of his desk. Fili sank into it rather awkwardly, still trying to recover from Ori’s words. Thorin’s open and warm expression turned out to be surprisingly helpful, something Fili hadn’t been able to imagine when Balin had asked him to go see him. Yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that his presence had something to do with his trip. Maybe Thorin needed some information right away and so Fili blurted out the first thing that came to his mind:

“I’m not finished with the reports yet.”

Thorin made a dismissive motion with his hand.

“I haven’t asked you here to discuss your trip. You have just returned, there is no haste. No, there is something else I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Okay,” Fili said, unable to relax just yet. While he could claim to have a good relationship with Thorin, it didn’t change anything about their professional positions. Thorin was his boss and as such it was Fili’s responsibility to treat him with respect.

“I just wondered, do you have any plans for Christmas?”

The question caught him completely off-guard. Of all the things Thorin wanted to discuss, this was the last Fili had expected.

“No, I don’t have any plans.” No parents to go home to. Just an empty apartment that couldn’t feel any colder during a time that was meant to spent in the circle of loved ones.

Thorin nodded. Fili’s answer didn’t seem to come as a surprise to him.

“I would like to invite you to spend Christmas with us,” Thorin told him with a gentle smile.

Fili gaped at him. “I… I don’t know what to say,” he stammered.

And it was the truth, his mind seemed completely blank. He didn’t know if he should feel grateful or fearful. What would be more selfish, to accept or to decline? What would be more awkward, to spent time with a family that wasn’t his or to return to work with Thorin in the new year after he’d carefully turned down his invitation? Thorin had offered him a great gift, the promise of community against the loneliness he would have to face at home and yet neither of these options could lead to a good outcome for him.

“I know that things have been hard for you after...,” Thorin hesitated for a brief moment, “everything that happened… after the way Kili broke up with you... but I want you to know that I still consider you a member of my family. You are a dedicated employee, one I can one day see taking over my place as head of this corporation. I want you to know that you are always welcome at our home.”

Fili had to blink fast against the sudden burning of tears in his eyes. While he had always known that Thorin had never held him responsible for any of the things that hadn’t worked out between Fili and Kili, hearing those words come from Thorin himself filled him with a rush of warmth and a heartbreaking sense of belonging he hadn’t felt in a very long time.

“So what do you say, will you do us the honour of joining us for Christmas?” Thorin asked him again, patiently waiting for his answer.

He couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, I would love to.”

“Excellent!” Thorin rejoiced, causing Fili’s brows to rise in astonishment.

Try as he might, he couldn’t remember seeing the other man ever this happy. Perhaps he had been a rather open and friendly guy before he had to deal with all that business talk, but that wasn’t a Thorin Fili had got to know. If he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t sure if such a reaction to Fili’s promise of joining them for Christmas made him feel flattered or slightly scared.

“We’ll discuss the details later when you have rested,” the other added, thankfully ending their conversation and stopping the surreal situation almost at once.

 


	2. 20th December

 

 

 _I need a new alarm,_ Fili grumbled to himself as he was awoken once again, much too early, by a truly annoying clanging. The only consolation he had was that he would not be going in to work that day – rather, he would be heading to Thorin’s vacation home up in the mountains for the week. Fili was still quite touched that the older man had thought to include him this year, despite the way things had fallen apart with Kili months before.

Fili smashed his head back against the pillow. It was too early in the morning to think about that. And he had things to do, anyway, before he headed out.

With a grunt, Fili pulled himself out of bed and shut off the alarm before stumbling down the hall for a quick shower. He had packed the night before, so all he really needed to do was get dressed and drag himself to the train station. Balin had offered to give him a lift, but Fili had declined; he didn’t want to put the older man out, as he lived on the other side of town. Plus, Fili liked trains – particularly when he got to ride them for leisure, and not for work. Which didn’t happen all that often, unfortunately.

So, everything was sorted. All the arrangements had been made. But something… something was bothering Fili, though he couldn’t quite put a finger on what. It couldn’t be that he was about to spend Christmas with his boss’s family – they had a good relationship, and, as Ori had put it a few days before, they had almost been his family once.

Fili’s stomach flipped uncomfortably at that. Could that be it? That he was about to spend Christmas with his ex’s family? Sure, it was strange, but Fili still kept in touch with all of them, and it wasn’t like Kili himself was going to be there.

But the uneasy feeling in Fili’s stomach did not settle, not after he had locked his door, and not as he began the relatively short walk toward the nearest station. It was cold out, but Fili barely felt it, his mind whirling with worst-case scenarios and sudden, undesired reunions. Fili shook his head; he was being paranoid. Thorin wasn’t cruel, and he would have warned him if Kili had been expected to come, too. Wouldn’t he? Still, Fili was kicking himself for not thinking to ask, prior to now.

Fili’s sense of foreboding only grew as he walked through the turnstiles, ticket in hand. He thought back to his last few conversations with Thorin, trying to think if he had mentioned anything about Kili. But, nothing.

 _We’ll discuss the details later,_ was all Thorin had said. But, in the end, they never had.

Fili frowned as he walked toward his platform. What details could he have possibly meant?

 

*

*

 

The train was packed with people leaving the city for the holidays, and Fili was immensely grateful that he had bought his ticket in advance and left early. With a travel time of nearly an hour, he did not want to be forced to stand in the aisles with all of the other last-minute travelers, all of them packed into what little open space they could find.

And so it was really quite impressive that Fili managed to see him at all, given how many other people were on the train between them. But as Fili’s eyes searched for his seat number, they landed on a tall brunet, sitting in a seat next to the aisle, his hair perhaps a little longer than it had been on the day he had packed up his stuff and moved out. But aside from that, Kili looked exactly the same.

Naturally, Fili immediately stumbled over his own feet, and reached forward to grab the nearest handrail in order to regain his balance. He glanced at Kili, but the younger man was staring at his phone, completely mindless of who it was standing just a few feet away from him.

 _Small blessings,_ Fili thought sarcastically to himself, feeling cold all over despite the hot air blasting from the vents overhead. _Why did this have to happen to me now?_

Because this was all wrong, all of it. It was the wrong place, it was the wrong time – and it was certainly not how Fili had ever imagined this going. In fact, a part of Fili had thought this would never happen at all – because Kili had gone to great lengths to cut ties with all of them, once the rest of his lies had been discovered. No, Kili had ensured that something like this would never happen – but that didn’t mean Fili hadn’t imagined them meeting again. All the questions he’d ask, what Kili would say to explain himself...

No chance of that now, of course. Not with so many people surrounding them, the complete lack of privacy.

 _Plenty of time at Thorin’s, though,_ an annoying voice in Fili’s head whispered. _Maybe I’ll finally find out why he did it..._

Fili shut his eyes, tried to shake the thought from his mind. There was still, perhaps, a 25% chance that he and Kili were actually headed for different destinations. And why would Kili be coming to Christmas at Thorin’s, anyway? He had cut Thorin out of his life just as swiftly as he had cut out Fili – in fact, his uncle Frerin was supposedly the only member of the family who still talked to him. Fili gave a low groan and rubbed at his temples. Could that be it? Had Frerin persuaded Kili to come?

The train rolled to a stop, and Fili couldn’t stop himself from looking over the aisle at where Kili was sitting, to see if maybe he was getting off. But he didn’t; he stayed seated, head bent slightly, swaying to whatever he was listening to on his headphones. Fili swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat. Kili looked… _really_ good. Peaceful, even. Content.

Fili felt his heart begin to ache. All that… without him. Even after everything, Fili still wished that things had turned out differently between them. That Kili hadn’t lied to him. That he hadn’t moved out.

Fili told himself to stop looking, to tear his gaze away, but he couldn’t. It had been months. _Months_ without Kili, of wondering where he was, of wondering why he’d done what he had done. Fili had told himself that he was over it, but seeing Kili now brought it all back: all the heartbreak, and the anger, and the confusion. It still made no sense why Kili would do that to him. To any of them.

How were they supposed to get through this holiday after all of _that?_

What had Thorin been thinking?!

_Look. Away._

Fili took a deep breath. And then--

And then he realized Kili was looking straight back at him.

Fili didn’t move. He didn’t blink. He could only stare at Kili, and Kili was staring at him, and something in his eyes seemed sad. Could it be regret? Was it pity? Or was it just Fili’s imagination? Because it had only been there for a second before Kili’s gaze became flinty, and then, very deliberately, he turned his head.

It shouldn’t have hurt, because Fili should have been expecting it. But the coldness in Kili’s eyes still managed to take him by surprise, and it was like a punch straight to Fili’s heart, reopening an old wound that had almost, _almost_ healed.

Fili turned to look out of the window. Christmas by himself was starting to sound more and more appealing just then.

 

*

*

 

Frerin had come by car to pick Kili up from the station, but it soon became clear that he had not been expecting Fili: when his eyes fell on him, his smile dimmed, and he seemed to shrink, just a little. “You’re earlier than we expected!” he finally said, laughing weakly. “Thorin said you’d call later from the station.” 

“What does that matter?” Kili grumbled, taking Fili’s suitcase and throwing it next to his own in the trunk of Frerin’s car. It was the first time Fili had heard Kili’s voice in more than half a year, and even though it had come out rough, as if Kili hadn’t used it in a while, it still sounded beautiful to Fili. “So we ended up on the same train. Big deal. Were you planning to keep us in separate rooms all week?”

“No, but...” Frerin sighed as he unlocked the door. “Thorin at least wanted to give Fili a bit of a head’s up before you two ran into each other. Apparently things have been a bit hectic around the office, and he never...”

“Oh,” Kili murmured, finally looking at Fili again. The hard look in his eyes was unreadable. “You didn’t know I would be here.”

Fili, not trusting himself to speak, just shook his head.

It was true that Fili hadn’t seen a lot of Thorin since he had been invited to Christmas, and yes, Fili had been awfully sleep deprived ever since he had gotten back from his business trips. But that was no excuse: e-mail was still a thing. Text messages existed. Even if Thorin rarely bothered with either – he should have told Fili about this, in any case. The warning would have been nice, if nothing else.

The car ride that ensued was a bit awkward, to say the least. Frerin and Kili did most of the talking, though Fili (when he wasn’t mentally cursing Thorin’s name) chimed in every now and then with a relevant comment or two. But it quickly became apparent that Kili wasn’t even willing to make small talk with Fili – not even for the sake of familial harmony. He would clam up just as soon as Fili tried to join the conversation, sullenly looking out the window as if he couldn’t even stand the sight or sound of him. 

The whole thing was incredibly immature. Fili hadn’t done anything to deserve this – hell, if anyone had, it was Kili. But for Frerin’s sake, Fili kept his mouth shut, and endured the rest of the trip to Thorin’s house in relative silence.

But that changed as soon as Frerin had parked and unlocked the doors. As the older man retrieved their luggage, Fili pulled Kili aside. “Is this really how it’s going to be?” he hissed. “You’re going to ignore me all week like _I’m_ the one who walked out on us and, oh yeah, got fired from my job after turning my back on everyone who had ever trusted me? Because, I’d like to remind you that that _wasn’t_ me, it was you. All you.”

Kili’s eyes flashed, and he pulled back from Fili as if he had physically been struck. “Well, I definitely don’t regret doing at least one of those things,” he snarled, his dark eyes shining suspiciously in the pale sunlight. “Not one bit!”

Fili ignored Kili’s reaction, too caught up in his own hurt and frustration. “Why the hell did Thorin even invite you, anyway?” Fili started in on him. “After everything you did to him!”

Kili opened his mouth to respond, but he never got the chance. They were interrupted by a deep voice, calling out, “Fili, Kili!” And then they both turned, nearly in unison, to see Thorin descending the stairs leading off his front porch, his face grim. But then, just as suddenly, he smiled at them. “Welcome back, the both of you,” he began. “There’s a lot for us to get caught up on!”

 

 


	3. 10 months earlier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the comments and speculation! This chapter is the first of a two-part FLASHBACK, so you'll soon learn a little more about what happened between Fili and Kili... D:

 

_10 months ago:  
_

 

For the first time in a long while it was neither his alarm nor a hand stroking through his hair or the gentle trail of kisses wandering over his skin that woke him. Kili had a habit of getting up first, his infinite pool of energy satisfying him with just six hours of sleep each night while Fili needed a little more time to feel fully awake. So it wasn’t surprising that his boyfriend had decided to turn the alarm off and wake the blond himself. No, what was surprising was the unmistakable feeling of teasing fingertips at his sensitive sides.

Fili hissed and shoved at the hands, trying to escape the unwelcome touch.

“Stop tickling me, you brat!” he grumbled just before a helpless chuckle was drawn from his throat.

“But it makes you squirm and giggle so nicely,” Kili whispered, breathing hot hair against Fili’s neck. They were lying so close he could feel the other’s bright smile without even looking at him.

“Didn’t get enough of it last night?” he wondered.

Opening his eyes sleepily Fili smirked as his boyfriend. He rolled onto his side, so he was facing Kili, causing his hands to still for the moment.

“I will never get enough of it,” Kili murmured, his eyes alight with adoration and love that was, even after four years, still able to make Fili’s knees shake with nerves.

Kili bridged what little distance was still separating their lips and connected them in an intimate good morning kiss. Fili was in equal shares thrilled and disgusted. He leaned back with a grimace.

“Lovely. Morning breath, my favorite.”

“You don’t taste like roses either,” Kili deadpanned.

They stared at each other in the dim light of their bedroom, serious expressions fighting for steadfastness. Kili’s mouth started twitching first and barely a second later they were already grinning and laughing softly.

Fili was the first to sober up.

“I guess we should get up,” he mused.

Kili sighed. “Yeah, I got a meeting in two hours, _yippee_. Can’t wait for Alfrid to sabotage my ideas and watching Thorin letting it slide.” His boyfriend rolled his eyes.

“Hey,” Fili said softly. Guiding one of his hands to Kili’s cheek he began to caress it tenderly with his thumb. It didn’t take long for Kili’s hand to come up and cup his. “I know it sucks, but you know that it’s probably just Thorin’s way to avoid gossip. You are his nephew and the last thing you need is for your colleagues to think that your uncle is favoring you.”

Fili could see the wheels turning inside the brunet’s head. It was a conversation they were having occasionally. Kili didn’t feel like his uncle was appreciating his work, always offering praise to the other employees but sparing the boy he’d witnessed growing into a fine young man. It had caused petty little quarrels in the past between him and Fili, since sometimes the jealousy eating at Kili wouldn’t even stop for Fili. Luckily none of these fights had put real damage to their relationship, but Fili hated seeing the man he loved burdened with feelings of inadequacy.

“Yeah,” Kili agreed while sounding anything but. The furrow between his brows told Fili that they had reached the end of the discussion, though. “Do you want to shower together or separately?”

Accepting the change of topic Fili grinned gleefully. “Since when is that a question?”

 

*

*

 

Like always Fili was on his way to Kili’s office to pick him up so they could have lunch together. Today however, he found the door to Kili’s room locked.

Fili frowned. Usually his boyfriend waited for him before heading to the cafeteria. Maybe the meeting had taken up more of his time than expected and he’d already gone ahead? It seemed unlikely but was worth a shot.

In the cafeteria Fili wasn’t able to spot Kili at any of the tables. Instead he noticed Ori at one and Alfrid at another, both of whom had been at the meeting with Kili, as far as Fili was informed. Perhaps one of them could tell him where his boyfriend went. Turning towards Ori he walked over to his table.

“Hi!” Fili greeted him casually, trying to keep the growing worry from showing on his face.

“Hey, Fili. How are you doing?” Ori returned the welcome.

“Everything’s great,” Fili paused hesitantly. “Say, do you know where Kili is?”

Ori’s expression turned apologetic. “Sorry, I haven’t seen him today.”

His colleague’s reply threw him completely. While Ori’s features had given him the answer Fili had already expected, his words couldn’t have sounded any more confusing.

“But I thought you were supposed to have a meeting this morning?” Fili pressed. Kili wouldn’t have lied to him and had complained about it so immensely for a week that there was no way there could’ve been a mix up, even though it had happened in the past.

Ori nodded. “Right, but then it was postponed. I don’t know why, but judging by Balin’s grave expression something important must’ve come up.”

Well, that wasn’t really offering him any answers, but at least he’d found a new person to contact about Kili’s strange absence. It still didn’t explain anything, however. If something important had interfered with the meeting, then where the hell was Kili?

He thanked Ori and left the cafeteria, going straight to the elevators. Once inside he pushed the button for Balin’s floor and waited. The older man was on lunch break as well and so Fili didn’t have to worry about interrupting any appointments with a client. Quite the contrary, when he knocked on Balin’s door and was asked to enter, the other didn’t seem surprised to see him at all.

Balin put the cutlery and his half-eaten meal aside.

“Fili, what can I do for you?” This was probably as straight to the point as Balin would ever get. Never assuming anything, always waiting for the right approach.

“I’ve been looking for Kili, but I can’t find him anywhere. He was supposed to have a meeting, but Ori told me it was postponed,” Fili began to describe the situation.

Balin nodded. “That’s correct.”

“You wouldn’t happen to know where he is?”

“He was sent home,” Balin watched him closely as he spoke.

Fili blinked, taken aback. “Sent home?”

There hadn’t been any new messages or missed calls on his phone. If Kili had went home, he would’ve told him… wouldn’t he? Why would he be sent home anyway? Kili hadn’t looked sick this morning and while he could have a temper, he’d never run out of patience at work. So there actually shouldn’t be any reasons to send him home. At least if there hadn’t been an accident… but then again, someone would’ve informed him if Kili got hurt. The whole company knew they were a couple, after all.

Balin sighed deeply. A sound that was carried heavily through the old man’s office. “It was for the best.”

“For the best?” Fili repeated, he started to feel like a broken record. The confusion weighed on his mind and was swiftly joined by the frustration of being unable to solve this mystery on his own. “Why was he sent home?”

Balin’s face was a calculated mask of compassion and regret. It was the face most of them had perfected for whenever they had to crush the hopes of a client. A sinister sense of dread crawled into his stomach, settling like an uncomfortable weight within him that pushed awful waves of nausea through him.

“I fear I’m not authorized to answer your question just yet.”

It was ridiculous to listen to Balin say these things, considering that Kili would tell him one way or another. If things were different Fili might’ve understood Balin’s point of view, might’ve accepted that the other wasn’t legally allowed to talk about certain topics. But things weren’t different. This was about Kili and thus his heart ached with the desire to support his boyfriend. Still, Fili knew he couldn’t win right now and thus accepted Balin’s words for the moment.

Spending the remaining part of his workday in his office was tough. The seconds on the clock seemed to tick slower whenever his eyes wandered to the time and try as he might, he just wasn’t able to focus on the tasks he needed to handle. It also didn’t help that Kili was rejecting his calls and left his messages unanswered until his boyfriend turned his phone off completely.

 

*

*

 

The apartment was submerged into complete darkness by the time Fili finally returned home. The sense of dread sitting inside his belly since he had talked to Balin seemed to grow once again at the state of their apartment. It was far too quiet.

“Kili?” he called worriedly.

Silence was his only greeting.

Fili swallowed hard. What if his boyfriend wasn’t here? What if he was outside, with his phone turned off, robbing Fili of any options to contact him, to make sure that he was alright. He didn’t want to think about it, the dark images already raging inside his head like a sickness.

His hand was shaking as it wandered to the light switch. With the hall bathed in the sudden light, it took Fili’s eyes a couple of heartbeats to adjust to the brightness. When they finally did, however, they spotted a figure through the open door of the living room. His relief was short-lived. Kili barely reacted to his presence.

Everything became irrelevant as Fili hurried over to the couch. Sitting down next to him, Fili observed him closely. Even in the dim light, only coming from the hall, he could see wetness shine in his reddened eyes and the utter resignation on his face.

Without a second thought he wrapped his arms around the other man, pulling him to his chest, hoping that his embrace was able to signal what his voice was unable to form just yet. Kili wasn’t tense, he didn’t melt into his arms like he used to when he had a bad day and needed physical closeness more than anything. He felt slack, almost lifeless.

“Kili,” he pleaded. “What is going on? Please talk to me.”

Kili stayed quiet. He merely tilted his head, hiding his face at Fili’s chest. His breathing became erratic, as if he was fighting for control and all Fili could do was to hold him, while the worry and uncertainty tightened his chest.

Fili had already resigned himself to silence, when a soft murmur drifted to his ears:

“I’ve never seen him so angry.”

“Who?” Fili demanded to know carefully.

“Thorin.”

Fili waited, giving his love time to sort out his thoughts. A shiver went through his body and he couldn’t tell what caused it. Maybe it was Kili shaking with nerves or maybe he himself was shaking with worry. In the end the closest answer was probably that it was a little bit of both.

“He accused me of selling company secrets to a direct competitor.”

“He said what?” Fili gasped. “That’s ridiculous! You would never do such a thing!”

This was more than just ridiculous. It was outrageous, insane and outright stupid! That wasn’t just a company they were talking about, it was the legacy of Kili’s family. The corporation was Kili’s heritage. He had no reason to sabotage it, to betray his family and colleagues, who worked so hard to keep Erebor on top of the market every year. Thorin had to be delusional to think otherwise and so far he hadn’t struck Fili as the crazy type. There had to be an explanation for this. Some sort of misunderstanding.

Although misunderstanding or not, resolved or not, it wouldn’t soothe the hurt Kili was feeling right now.

“That’s what I told him, but he wouldn’t listen to me. He said he got a tip and that there are things that don’t match up. Said I should be glad if he doesn’t sue me should the tip turn out to be right,” Kili croaked. He was clinging to Fili now as if his life depended on it.

He pressed a quick desperate kiss to Kili’s temple, trying to breathe through every painful heartbeat pounding like a jackhammer.

“What the hell!” he hissed. This injustice made him fume. “How can he believe you capable of this? He has known you all his life! That should be enough to tell him that you didn’t do it! God!”

He was filled with the madding desire to punch something, but holding Kili, giving him the comfort he so desperately needed was more important. This knowledge didn’t lessen the awful rage threatening to devour him.

“I will make this right!” Fili promised him. If Thorin wouldn’t listen to Kili, then Fili had to find a way to prove Kili’s innocence.

 

*

*

 

The following days were difficult. Fili had called in a favor. Nori was happy to help, after Fili had saved him from getting fired years ago with putting in a good word for him. Ori’s older brother was working for the IT department and was certainly going to achieve more than Fili investigating on his own. Yet proving Kili’s innocence wasn’t a task of mere minutes. It took time and time wasn’t really helping Kili get out of the deep hole he’d sunken into.

The situation at home was strained to say the least, not that Fili could blame him. An immense pressure was bearing down on Kili, causing him to tumble between despair, frustration, rage and heartbreaking bouts of sadness. So far only the management knew of Kili’s alleged crime, but it was probably merely a matter of time until the whole corporation got a scent of it. And it would get out, sooner or later, and newspapers and people on the streets were going to gossip viciously about Kili’s additional business.

Fili couldn’t let that happen. Had to protect his boyfriend from the ugliness of the press, because he had no confidence in the investigation Thorin must’ve arranged. Someone who accused Kili so rashly couldn’t be trusted to scrutinize.

Almost a week after Fili had talked to Nori, the ringing of his phone startled him.

“Hello?” he answered hurriedly as soon as he spotted the caller ID.

“Are you free right now?”

“No, but I’m going to take my break early today.”

He agreed to come to Nori’s office and left immediately after hanging up.

It didn’t take him long to get to the IT department. The hallways were empty, save for Galion sitting at the info-desk. Even in passing Fili noticed the smell of booze surrounding him like a heavy cloud. The guy had been cautioned several times already, but Fili didn’t have the time to worry about a drunk today.

Nori was waiting for him, his severe expression setting off warning bells in Fili’s head as he closed the door.

“Please tell me you have good news,” Fili said against better judgement.

“It was him,” Nori told him apologetically.

The next breath tried to choke him, as if he’d just been drowned by a torrent of ice water.

“N-no,” he stammered helplessly. “No… no that… that can’t be right.”

He had to lean against the wall for balance, suddenly feeling lightheaded. This had to be a mistake. Kili hadn’t lied to him. Kili _wouldn’t_ lie to him! Nori _must’ve_ missed something. There was _no way_ this could be true!

Nori beckoned him over, pointing towards the computer screen. Only slowly he was able to join Nori at his desk, like the world had shifted all of a sudden and Fili was no longer able to tell where was up and down.

“It’s all here. The documents were signed by him. You recognize his signature, don’t you?”  Fili nodded sluggishly. Yes, he knew Kili’s signature. There was no doubt, it was his. “The information was spread with his account. His last three business trips were in Berlin, Sydney and Paris. We aren’t the only one with a branch there, our competitor Esgaroth does as well. That wouldn’t be weird yet, but on the same date he was there, Esgaroth was informed about Erebor’s next move on the market. I’m really sorry, Fili, but Kili is guilty.”

 


	4. 10 months earlier (Part II)

 

 

It was hard to argue with that kind of proof, but Fili tried. A signature could be forged, he reasoned -- even if this would have to be a  _ very  _ good forgery -- but the rest was harder to rationalize. Not to mention the fact that Kili had volunteered for those business trips -- he could have sent a subordinate (as Fili himself had pointed out at the time, not wanting his boyfriend to be gone for so long). But Kili had insisted that he be the one to go. Now, Fili wondered about that.

At the same time, Fili still couldn’t quite believe that Kili was guilty. It made no sense -- Kili, go against his own family’s company? It was absurd. Kili clearly loved his family, and he was a dedicated employee, putting his all into everything he did. Which was why Kili had been so hurt lately that Thorin never seemed to acknowledge his accomplishments…

A queasy feeling began to overtake Fili at that. Yes, Kili was a loving nephew and a hard worker -- but he could also be rash and impulsive. Could someone from Esgaroth have taken advantage of that? Suddenly, Fili could see what must have happened all too clearly: Kili had fallen into a trap set by their competitors and divulged what Erebor was planning in a fit of anger and frustration. That was how they must have gotten him. And, after that, Kili would have been stuck with no way out.

This was bad. Unbelievably bad. And, for a moment, Fili wanted to scream. He wanted to demand to know how Kili could have been so stupid. Because he didn’t know how they were going to get out of this. He wasn’t sure if they could.

_ I need to know the full story, _ Fili thought to himself.  _ I need to know exactly what happened. And then, maybe… maybe we can come up with a plan to fix this. _

With that thought in mind, Fili quietly took the rest of the day off and rushed home.

 

*

*

 

Kili was exactly where Fili had known he would be, sitting on the couch in front of the tv, though it was clear he wasn’t paying any attention to it. He hadn’t done much else since Thorin had confronted him, though he’d been coming around a bit in recent days: leaving the apartment to accompany Fili on a quick grocery run, or on some other errand. But as far as Fili knew, Kili didn’t leave the apartment otherwise, still too upset about Thorin’s unjustified accusations.

_ Unjustified. _ Or so Fili had thought.

Before he could stop himself, Fili slammed the printouts of the documents he had gotten from Nori down on the coffee table. “Why did you lie to me?” he found himself demanding. “Did you think I wouldn’t find out?”

Kili blinked up at him, his mouth slack. “Fili, what…?” He reached out a shaking hand toward the documents, his eyes narrowing as he flipped through them. “What is this?”

“Don’t act like you’ve never seen them before,” Fili said, then took a deep breath, willing himself to keep his temper in check. “The documents from your deal with Esgaroth.” When Kili continued to just stare at him, he added, “You shouldn’t have left a paper trail if you didn’t want to get caught, you know.”

“I didn’t do this!” Kili finally cried out, throwing the papers back onto the table. He stared at Fili with wide eyes. “You can’t believe this!”

“Kili, it’s all right  _ there,” _ Fili said emphatically, gesturing to the scattered pages.  _ “Your _ signatures, emails sent from  _ your _ account. Not to mention the fact that the information leaks all correspond with those damned business trips you went on. Who  _ else _ could it be?”

“I don’t…” Kili blinked again, mouth opening and closing for a moment without saying anything. He turned panicked eyes on Fili. “I don’t  _ know _ . I can’t explain this, but I swear to you, I didn’t--”

“Stop _ lying _ to me already!” Fili shouted. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then looked at Kili again. “I know you’ve been mad at Thorin lately. About Alfrid stealing all of your ideas, with no repercussions…” He exhaled loudly. “But did you really think this was the answer?”

Kili shook his head. “No, Fili, I--”

“I just need you to be honest with me,” Fili continued. “I’ll help you. I’ll do whatever I can to get you out of this.”

“I  _ am _ being honest with you!” Kili shouted, finally standing up. “I told you, I didn’t do this!” He reached out to grab Fili’s hand. “Please, you have to believe me. It’s bad enough that Thorin won’t listen to me, but not you, too!”

Fili snatched his hand back. “Do you think I’m stupid, Kili? If you didn’t do this, then how do you explain all of this?” he asked, waving his hand at the coffee table.

Kili was silent for a moment. “I don’t know,” he said, his voice small. “I don’t know. But, Fili--”

“Cut the crap, Kili.” Fili sank down into one of their recliners and held his head in his hands. “If you can’t tell me the truth, then just stop talking. I don’t want to hear it.”

Remarkably, Kili did what he had been told. Fili could hear him shuffling around, his breathing erratic -- and then, abruptly, he seemed to leave the room.

Fili finally raised his head and began to re-organize the papers that had been thrown around the room. Perhaps, once they both had cleared their heads, they could get this mess sorted. Waiting seemed like the best option just then.

 

*

*

 

They slept in separate beds that night, despite Fili’s repeated attempts to talk to Kili, who had locked himself in the spare bedroom. “Are you not even going to eat dinner?” Fili had finally tried, and when that went unanswered too, Fili slammed his hand against the door and gave a loud sigh. “You are so  _ childish,” _ he hissed, before stomping off toward the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. At that point he gave up, hoping to try his luck again the next day after work.

He would never get the chance, though.

Fili had known something was wrong from the second he had stepped inside the door to their apartment. Kili’s shoes were gone -- all of them, which he tended to keep in a pile near the door, despite Fili’s constant complaining that one of them would trip over them someday.  _ Perhaps he’s finally moved them to the closet, _ Fili thought, but if the churning in his stomach was any indication, he knew that wasn’t it.

Slowly, he moved from room to room. Although a few of the larger things remained, Kili’s belongings were gone: his clothes, his laptop, his suitcase -- even his favorite mug, along with a picture frame or two. It was like half of their apartment was suddenly missing. In a haze of disbelief, Fili picked up his phone and hit Kili’s number. 

He wasn’t surprised when he was almost immediately redirected to voicemail. Fili disconnected with a muffled curse, not trusting himself to leave a coherent message. He then typed out a hurried text:  _ Where are you? _

No answer. He should have expected that. Fili swallowed around the lump in his throat and tried again.  _ Will you be back? _

This time Kili’s response was immediate:  _ No. _

Fili sank down to the floor, his hands shaking. He couldn’t believe this was happening -- first, the revelation that Kili had sold Erebor’s business plans to their competition, and now, this. Being broken up with via text message. After  _ four years _ . “Who  _ does _ that?” Fili asked hoarsely, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth.

He typed out a few more texts, but they all went unanswered.

_ How does he not understand that I’m trying to help him? _ Fili asked himself.  _ I didn’t want to break up over this! _

He threw his phone aside and buried his head in his hands. Perhaps he shouldn’t have confronted Kili so heatedly -- but, on the other hand, what Kili had done was truly serious. Undoubtedly, he would be fired. Maybe sued. And he would never be able to find another job in their field ever again. It was without a doubt the dumbest thing that Kili had ever done -- so, yes, Fili thought he was justified for getting angry. Angry, and perhaps hurt -- that Kili hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him about any of this. Not even when he had been confronted with all of the evidence.

The fact that Kili had broken up with him didn’t quite register yet -- it was the latest unbelievable thing to happen in a string of unbelievable occurrences -- and a part of him expected that Kili would be back. Take a few days to cool off, and then, hopefully, they could figure out how they would work things out.

He had forgotten just how truly stubborn Kili could be, though.

 

*

*

 

Fili was not one to back down from a challenge, nor easily admit defeat. It was a quality that had brought him far in life, but now, he seemed to have met his match.

None of Kili’s relatives had heard from him. None of their friends knew where he was. It was like Kili had just disappeared -- Fili even contemplated filing a missing persons report, but in the end, he held back. He didn’t think Kili was in danger, and he was afraid of coming across like a possessive ex if he pushed too hard. 

Fili looked down at his phone, scrolling through all of the unanswered text messages and calls. Not to mention all of the emails he had sent. Perhaps he was already acting like a possessive ex, he thought ruefully, and dropped his phone onto his desk.

Still. “Ghosted after four years together,” Fili breathed, his chest feeling tight. His certainty that Kili would return had been the only thing driving him over the last few days, but now he had to admit it was real. All of it.

Kili had been terminated, of course -- and the news didn’t stay quiet for long. Erebor was a thriving company, and Kili had been poised to inherit it all. Naturally, the local media was making a huge deal out of it, and Fili seemed to encounter their bold headlines wherever he went.  _ Erebor Heir-Apparent Out in Shocking Ouster!, _ read one newspaper.  _ Stabbed in the Back! Family Drama at Erebor Corp!, _ read another.

Seeing it in bold print seemed to make the whole thing so much more real. Not to mention returning home to an empty apartment every night. That definitely helped, too.

Fili took a shaky breath and reached for his phone again. Numbly, he cleared his text messages, his call history, and then he went into his contacts. His thumb hovered over the screen, ready to delete Kili for good. Make sure he couldn’t give in to the temptation to call him ever again.

He still had so many questions, though.

Fili closed his eyes, thought back to the truly embarrassing voicemail he had left Kili the night before. How he had begged Kili to pick up, to talk to him -- to explain what was going on. And then, with his voice cracking, he had told him he loved him still.

“Please,” he had said, grateful there was no way Kili could know about the tears dripping down his face, “don’t throw away four years like this.”

But, nothing. No response.

With a frown, Fili set down his phone again. Perhaps he should contact the police after all. Kili was stubborn, yes -- but he wasn’t cruel. He wasn’t heartless. He wouldn’t just end things like this. Something had to be wrong.

As if on cue, Fili’s phone buzzed. 

Fili looked down and felt his heart stop. A text message. From Kili.

“Stop calling me,” it said.

 

*

*

 

It was all for the best, Fili tried to convince himself later. He hadn’t wanted things to end the way they had, but how long could their relationship have really lasted? The Kili that Fili had fallen in love with… well, he would have never sold Erebor out the way he had. He would have never betrayed Thorin’s trust, nor Fili’s. And he wouldn’t have completely cut Fili out of his life at the first sign of trouble.

The Kili that Fili had fallen in love with had apparently never existed.

In retrospect, the signs had all been there, but Fili hadn’t wanted to acknowledge them. Perhaps he’d been blinded by love -- or perhaps it had just been easier to ignore them. He had known that Thorin and Kili’s relationship was complicated, how badly Kili had craved his uncle’s recognition.

He had just never thought it would go this far. That Kili would do something like this.

Work had become his own personal hell, rather than a reprieve from his domestic troubles. Kili was, of course, the only topic that anyone wanted to talk about.“Rumor has it,” Alfrid had started one day, shortly after the news had broke, “that the only reason Kili was dating you was to get to Thorin.”

Fili normally tried to ignore Alfrid, but today, that wasn’t happening -- the greasy-haired jerk had touched a nerve. “How stupid do you think I am?” he hissed. “Thorin is Kili’s uncle -- what would he need  _ me _ for?”

Alfrid backed away, holding his hands up. “Don’t kill the messenger, Fili -- I’m only looking out for you! Kili wasn’t who  _ any  _ of us thought he was. Although...” Alfrid cocked his head to the side. “Well. Everyone’s always known that Thorin favors _ you _ over Kili. Ever since Kili was passed up for that promotion…” Alfrid smiled. “You know. The one  _ you _ got?”

Fili knew. That had been early in their relationship, before they had announced it to everyone. Fili had a feeling that he wouldn’t have gotten that promotion either if Thorin had known just how close he was to Kili back then -- that was just how the older man was. Didn’t want to be accused of showing favoritism.

Though, Kili had never seen it that way, and that promotion… Fili closed his eyes, thinking back. Kili had tried to be happy for him, he really had -- but it was clear to everyone how crushed he was, how hard he’d worked to show Thorin he could handle the extra responsibility. It had gotten so awkward that it had nearly sunk their fledgling relationship -- but they had gotten through it. In fact, it had been so long ago that Fili had nearly forgotten about it. But now…

Fili scowled. “Shut up, Alfrid,” he growled, turning to leave. Everyone knew he was a scumbag who couldn’t be trusted.

But that wasn’t the case with everyone. Suddenly, it seemed like everyone at the office had a story to share -- a new piece of “evidence” that proved Kili’s guilt, how they all should have seen it coming. The most hurtful observation had come from Sigrid: “I probably shouldn’t say this,” she had begun. “I didn’t want to assume…”

“Just say it,” Fili sighed. “It can’t be worse than anything else I’ve heard.”

But it was: “I think Kili may have been cheating on you,” she said quietly, as the final piece of Fili’s heart shattered. “I just, I saw him out several times with Galion. And there’s no reason they would be meeting for work, and so all I could think of--”

“Galion!” Fili couldn’t help but interrupt. “That  _ drunk?” _

“But still  _ very _ handsome.” Sigrid blushed a little. “I did wonder if perhaps Kili was the reason he hasn’t been fired yet...”

“Kili would never--” Fili cut himself off. A month ago, he never would have thought that Kili would have betrayed Erebor, nor that he would have broken up with Fili without even saying a word. He sat down in a rush, as if all the air had been knocked out of his lungs. “How much worse is this going to get?” he asked.

“I’m so sorry, Fili,” Sigrid started. “I never should have said anything. But I thought, if it were me, I’d want to know.”

“Thank you, Sigrid.” Then he waved her toward the door, wanting a moment alone.

Had any part of his relationship with Kili ever been real?

 

 


	5. 20th December

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this chapter, we return to the current timeline!
> 
> Here's where we left everyone at the end of chapter 2, in case you forgot:
> 
> _“Why the hell did Thorin even invite you, anyway?” Fili started in on Kili. “After everything you did to him!”_
> 
> _Kili opened his mouth to respond, but never got the chance. They were interrupted by a deep voice, calling out, “Fili, Kili!” And then they both turned, nearly in unison, to see Thorin descending the stairs leading off his front porch, his face grim. But then just as suddenly, he smiled at them. “Welcome back, the both of you,” he began. “There’s a lot for us to get caught up on!”_

 

Kili’s eyes narrowed as his gaze shifted between Thorin and Fili. His lips twitched in what Fili could only interpret as disgust ere he suddenly turned around on his heel, reached for his luggage and ripped it from Frerin’s hands.

“I think I will pass,” Kili replied and stormed into the Oakenshield’s holiday house without giving any of them the time to react.

Fili was too perplexed to say anything right away. Despite Kili’s obvious resentment towards him, there had been a little voice in his head, like an unconscious and certain feeling, that his ex wouldn’t treat Thorin in such a manner. Kili’s uncle had shown him hospitality and this was no way to thank him.

What was perhaps even more surprising, however, was the way Thorin bore it with nothing but a deep sigh, the smile long since slipped from his features. Frerin walked up to his older brother and squeezed his shoulder comfortingly.

“I will talk to him,” he reassured him, before following his nephew inside.

Fili was left with his luggage and a curtain of confusion falling over him. After watching this scene unfold, his mind returned to the question he’d already directed at Kili. Why would Thorin invite him? Kili was obviously still unable to grasp the extent of his actions, lacking shame like on the day he was confronted with the evidence. This wasn’t a person he wanted to spend Christmas with.

He had half a mind to tell Thorin that he wanted to leave right away. Of course sitting alone in his apartment over the holidays would be hard, but after what he just witnessed Fili figured it could be worse, like spending the next days with his passive-aggressive-ex- _ bad _ , for example. Then again, he couldn’t do this to Thorin, who had welcomed him so openly into the family. His options and their consequences were at a level that didn’t give him any leeway. He was fucked.

Thorin seemed to recover faster than him. His boss’ smile was dimmed and lopsided, but it looked far more hopeful than Fili felt.

“Let me show you to your room and then we should talk.”

Right... The last time he’d been staying here Fili had shared a room with Kili and while he hoped it to be as far away from the other as possible, he couldn’t help but exhale wistfully. He had liked that room and its huge windows facing the snow-covered mountain sides. Their peaceful view and the love inside the house had turned this building in an almost magical place. Could there be even any of this spirit left after everything that happened?

Fili nodded regardless, at least a talk sounded like a good approach.

The new room was small, but still homey, facing the small parking spot in front of the house.

Thorin waited until Fili had put his luggage down to pull a chair over and take a seat. Nodding towards the bed Thorin indicated him to follow his lead. When it became clear that an awkward silence was about to settle inside the small guest room, Fili took the initiative.

“You forgot to mention Kili would be here, when you invited me,” Fili pointed out, keeping his voice neutral despite a sense of betrayal curling inside his chest. Fili had always hated not receiving all the details, it deprived him of the best options to handle a situation. Too often control was taken out of his hands in crucial moments, first the death of his parents, Kili’s disappearance and now their unexpected encounter.

Thorin sighed deeply.

“Until two days ago I didn’t know if he would accept my invitation. But you are right, I should’ve informed you about his possible presence.”

He continued his explanation, speaking about the busy schedule he had to follow to ensure everything was done before the company’s Christmas break and that he also wanted to give Fili enough time to rest after his long and exhausting business trips. To Fili those reasons didn’t excuse anything. There were several ways and means to inform someone, hell, Thorin could’ve delegated Balin to deliver the message for all he cared. Fili would’ve taken anything as long as it would’ve spared him this discovery.

“Why did you even invite him in the first place?” he interrupted Thorin, less patiently this time, and folded his arms in front of his chest.

Thorin eyed him gravely.

“There is no good way to break this to you gently and it won’t be long until it appears in the papers,” Thorin paused, merely amplifying the expectation. “While you were away, security caught an employee of mine tampering with your computer.”

“What?” Fili gasped.

He was stunned by the news, every thought spared for Kili momentarily forgotten. A sense of unease crawled down his back.

While a workplace wasn’t generally a big environment for privacy, it still went without saying that besides authorities no one was easily granted access to the different offices. There were clients and there were colleagues stopping by, but one thing they had both in common was that, without permission to enter, the offices were off-limits. He had to handle so much confidential data that the wrong person taking a look at them could ruin the company. Therefore Fili tended to keep his room locked whenever he wasn’t around. The thought that someone had walked inside during his absence, going through all that important information unobstructed, caused him to shiver inwardly. This wasn’t only a violation of the company’s privacy policy, it felt like a violation of his privacy as well.

So far Fili had believed in the sense of safety surrounding him at work, but this sense had been ripped from him from one moment to another. How was he supposed to trust his colleagues and Erebor’s safety measures now? According to Thorin the culprit was caught and granted, the security arrangements had been tightened after Kili’s stunt, but Erebor obviously had a safety problem and such a thing could easily evolve into an image problem.

Panicking about the consequences this might entail was getting him nowhere, though. Fili needed to ask the right questions.

“What happened?”

“I assume you have met Galion from the IT department briefly?” Thorin mused.

Galion… He hadn’t thought about the man in a while, not since Sigrid had come to him, telling him in confidence how she believed Kili had cheated on him with the guy, on top of everything else. Fili didn’t know much more about him than this, except that he had a drinking problem, which was why a lot of people, Fili included, were surprised he hadn’t been fired yet.

“Yeah, I know who that is,” Fili confirmed.

He still wondered if Sigrid’s assumption was true. Wondered what a guy like this could offer Kili, that he himself hadn’t been able to. Fili had long since accepted Kili’s deception. He wasn’t the man Fili had thought he was. But the heart was a funny thing and in Fili’s case it was stupid with its love for Thorin’s nephew. Stupid enough that it still ached.

“It was Galion whom Dwalin’s security guards found in your office. Caught in the act of hacking into your account to sell company secrets.”

Company secrets? Fili felt suddenly so dizzy, he was grateful to be sitting. This sounded far too familiar.

“I had my own little conversation with him, before I informed the police,” Thorin told him grimly. “I offered him a deal, said I wouldn’t sue him if he told me the whole extent of his treachery. But if he believed I was going to keep my word after what he did to this family, he is stupider than I thought.”

Fili had long since unfolded his arms, rubbing over his knees with sweaty palms, he feared and yearned for Thorin to continue.

“I was blind. I couldn’t see what was right in front of me.” Thorin shook his head furiously.

“Thorin?” Fili’s voice was quiet, almost pleading. His chest started to feel tight under the looming sense of doom that seemed to sit in a corner, just waiting for the right time to strike.

“For ten months I thought my own nephew had betrayed me, when it was that lying snake all along,” Thorin snarled with barely contained anger.

Fili’s heart pounded far too fast, rocking his body like an unforgiving force on the inside, while on the outside only a wave of soft tremors revealed his inner turmoil. It was hot and stifling in the room all of a sudden.

“But the evidence,” he insisted. His mind tried to cling to the facts he knew, but they were already turning soft, escaping his grasp like running water.

“Forged,” Thorin responded.

“The emails were sent from his account,” Fili protested.

“After Galion had told me everything, I hired an outside expert to look into it. He confirmed it, said Galion had erased almost all of his traces, but not enough to avoid getting caught.” Thorin sighed heavily. “I should’ve hired that man the first time the evidence came up, before I falsely accused Kili.”

“But the business trips-"

“Coincidence,” Thorin interrupted him.

“And the signature?”

This was a nightmare. A horrible nightmare and he was going to wake up any second now. Any second!

“Forged,” Thorin emphasized once again. “Galion took advantage of Kili’s good heart. Asked him for help, acted like he wanted to become a better employee to build his career... that’s how he got Kili’s signature.”

_ I can’t explain this, but I swear to you _ …, Kili had always told him he was innocent. He had pleaded with Fili, begged him to understand and Fili… Fili had jumped at the evidence instead of trusting the word of the man he loved. Four years of relationship… wasn’t that something he had accused Kili of? That he was throwing away four years together, when in truth it had been Fili’s doing.

Of course back then there had been reason for him to believe Kili was to blame, but still.  _ Still! _ He should’ve fought harder. Should’ve been more trusting and understanding.

This was a fucking disaster! All of it! That it happened in the first place and that the whole staff was going to find out the truth via the media instead of getting the information from their boss. For God’s sake!

“Did he say why he did it?” Fili found himself asking.

“He wanted a better position. Galion was the first that applied for Kili’s job after-,” Thorin faltered. “Well…,” he sighed again. “Anyway…, I invited Kili to make amends. I need to make this right and perhaps… you appreciate such a chance too.”

Fili nodded, even though he had no idea how this was supposed to work out.

 

*

*

 

He probably should’ve thought this through before he headed over to Kili’s room, but after Thorin had left, the quietness contained by those four walls had been enough to smother him. Joining the other members of Kili’s family had filled him with the same dread as staying in his room, however. Therefore he had decided on the only option that seemed to make sense right now, the only option that mattered.

With a furiously pounding heart Fili knocked on Kili’s door and waited in trepidation. There were two ways this could go. Either Kili would accept his apology or not. It might’ve been better to prepare a speech, if he desired to achieve the first, but his head was bursting with all those thoughts of guilt, shame and self-loathing clashing together that no delay was admitted.

The door was opened after a small eternity and once again Fili and Kili faced each other. Kili regarded him with an unreadable expression and Fili, looking at his ex after all that new evidence presented, suddenly neither knew what to do nor what to say. Kili beat him to it.

“What do you want?”

“I… I just want to talk. Can I come inside?”

Without another word Kili stepped aside, allowing Fili to enter. Kili’s gaze remained dismissive, causing Fili’s stomach to roll with nausea.

“What do you want?” Kili repeated, more vigorously this time.

Fili inhaled deeply, before answering levelly: “I came to apologize.”   


“Is that all?” Kili watched him expectantly. Fili was temporarily rendered speechless by the other’s blunt reaction. Kili clicked his tongue. “Well, you did your duty. Was that it?”

Fili’s lips twitched unhappily. Of course he hadn’t expected a warm welcome, but Kili’s clear hostility was becoming ridiculous. They were both adults and should be able to talk to each other as such.

“Kili, you’re not even giving me a chance here!”

This must’ve been the wrong thing to say, as Kili’s distant behavior gave place to anger from one moment to another.

“Giving you a chance? Like you did when you confronted me with that forged evidence?” Kili flared.

Fili winced.

“I know, I should’ve-"

“I told you I had nothing to do with it, but you wouldn’t listen! Even better, you accused me of lying to you! Four years of a relationship and you couldn’t even tell when I was telling the truth! I fucking needed you in my corner! Where was your desire for patience then?”

Kili had a right to be angry, there was no arguing with it. He’d been falsely accused and left to deal with the repercussions. Fili couldn’t even begin to imagine what that must’ve been like. But it wasn’t like Fili had jumped at the opportunity to blame Kili. He had believed him, had asked Nori to launch an investigation besides the one Erebor was already conducting. Fili hadn’t doubted him before Nori had confronted him with evidence. What was he supposed to think? He hadn’t intended to hurt Kili! He had assessed the situation! He had been wrong and now he wanted to ask for forgiveness, but Kili this  _ feisty, stubborn _ and  _ irritating _ man didn’t let him!

“Well, what was I supposed to think?” Fili rebelled. “The evidence pointed at you! You were hurt and disappointed that Thorin always overlooked your hard work, for all I knew someone could’ve taken advantage of your jealousy!”

“I can’t believe you are justifying your ignorance with that!”

“I’m not justifying anything!” Fili was close to ripping out his hair in frustration. “I’m trying to tell you how it looked to me! And if you hadn’t run out of our relationship you would already know by now!”

This was going so terribly wrong. Fili didn’t want to fight. He wanted to apologize, wanted to promise Kili that he would never doubt him again, that he would do everything in his power to make it up to him. Instead they were shouting and hurting each other once more. He needed to stop, but didn’t know how. He was pulsing with rage and only a few immensely fast heartbeats away from saying something truly horrible and unforgivable.

“What relationship?” Kili shouted. “As far as I know a relationship requires trust and you made it pretty clear that you don’t trust me!”

And just like that Kili stole Fili’s thunder. He couldn’t even blame him. Fili had felt exactly the same when Nori had presented him with the evidence. He had thought Kili was lying to him, had hounded him and demanded answers. It was true, Fili  _ hadn’t _ trusted Kili’s word. If this warranted Kili running out on him like that, Fili wasn’t able to tell, but it surely didn’t feel so surprising anymore. Kili had needed him and Fili had turned against him.

He needed to fix this.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” Fili apologized hurriedly, desperate to stir this back into the right direction. “I fucked up. I know that, Kili. I didn’t stand by you like I should have and I can’t tell you how much I regret this, how much I regret doubting you. I  _ am _ sorry. And I will say it as often as you wish for, for however long that might be, because I want to make this right!” he told him emphatically.

The hurt in Kili’s eyes was no longer hidden by a mask of rejection, squeezing at Fili’s heart like a vice.

“Yeah?” Kili croaked.

Fili nodded cautiously, putting as much emphasis into this little motion as possible.

“That’s too bad, because I don’t want you to.”

The brief sense of hope blooming inside him crumbled at Kili’s cruel reply. His ex held himself stiffly as he headed to the door and opened it.

“Please leave.”

The protest was already waiting on Fili’s lips, but one glance at Kili told him that his response wouldn’t be appreciated. In the worst case it might lead to another fight. The events of the day had drained him completely. He would break under another fight and thus Fili gave a dejected nod. The door snapped shut behind him not much later.

 


	6. 21st December

 

 

The next day did not start out as a massive improvement from the last. Fili forced himself downstairs to join the others in the morning – he had spent most of the previous evening in his room, claiming travel fatigue, though the truth was that he had been too emotionally exhausted for socializing. Not to mention the fact that he was reluctant to face Kili again after their argument the night before.

But his plans to make a quick appearance in the morning before leaving for the afternoon were soon dashed. Thorin’s winter vacation home had the advantage of being close to a number of popular ski runs, and Fili had hoped to hit the slopes later that day to unwind from the stresses of the previous evening. But unfortunately, the weather that day was too dicey for skiing, meaning Fili was stuck indoors with only Kili and the rest of his family for company.

The oldest members of Oakenshield clan seemed content to chat among themselves, catching up with each other while passing around trays filled with festive cookies and other treats. It was a small crowd of familiar faces, all of whom Fili had met the year before: Kili’s uncles and distant cousins were present, along with Kili’s mother, Dis, and great-grandfather, Thror.

For once, it was a relief to have Gloin and his family present, as the man’s boasting over his son Gimli’s new internship proved a welcome distraction to the tension between Fili and Kili. Fili found himself thinking back to the year before, when he and Kili had come here together as a couple. He had noticed how Kili seemed to resent the attention that his relatives seemed to shower Gimli with. It wasn’t jealousy per se, but Kili had confessed later that his relatives had never given him the same kind of praise for similar accomplishments. That his success had simply been expected of him, rather than something to be celebrated.

Perhaps Kili’s estrangement from his extended family had been a long time coming, in some respects.

Fili sighed and took a sip of his wassail. He was content to just sit off to the side and observe for now, though he exchanged pleasantries with Balin and had a brief conversation with Frerin after the older man had asked him how he was settling in. Though Frerin seemed cordial enough, Fili couldn’t help but wonder how much he knew about his breakup with Kili, and if he blamed him for everything that had happened, too.

Kili, for his part, seemed to have also forced himself to come downstairs to join the others. But unlike Fili, he wasn’t even pretending he was up for socializing: he was sitting on the opposite side of the room and seemed unusually focused on his smartphone. It was odd to see him act so aloof, when he had been the life of the party the year before, jumping into conversations and laughing boisterously as he and his cousins had joked around with each other. But this year Kili seemed more distant and reserved -- as if he didn’t quite trust himself with his own family anymore. Fili’s stomach clenched, and he stared into his glass.

It was Dis who finally seemed to decide that enough was enough. “Why don’t we play a game?” she suggested, glancing at her son, and then Fili. “I brought Apples to Apples again this year!”

Fili held back a groan; he was not particularly good at the matching card game, though it was easy enough to play. But winning Apples to Apples took a bizarre kind of creativity that Fili did not possess – and, predictably, he had lost every single round they had played the year before. But he hadn’t minded it so much at the time – Kili was rather good at the game, and it had been fun to watch his then-boyfriend as he tried to match wits with his older relatives. They could get surprisingly competitive over such a simple game.

This year, Fili wasn’t in the mood. But an air of expectation seemed to have filled the room, and before he could talk himself out of it, Fili nodded his head. “Sure, why not?”

“Kili? How about you, dear?” Dis called as she rose to retrieve the game. “Last year you nearly replaced Frerin as our reigning champion, as I recall!”

“I’ll pass,” Kili muttered, tapping at something on his phone.

It seemed that would be the end of it, until Kili’s ancient great-grandfather, Thror, decided to cut in. “Young man,” he called out, “it’s Christmas! Get off of that _thing_ and spend some time with your family!”

“Grandpa!” Dis hissed. “He doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to!”

Thror feebly pointed at the chair next to his, clearly not taking no for an answer. “Sit!”

And so Kili stood up, shoving his phone in his pocket. “All right, I’ll play,” he grumbled, but he certainly didn’t seem very happy about it.

The cards were quickly shuffled and dealt, and then Dis reached toward the green stack to select the first card. The green cards all contained adjectives, and the object of the game was for the players to choose a card from their own decks – red cards containing nouns – that best seemed to match the word written on whichever green card was in play. The player with the best match would win the round.

Dis frowned at the green card she had chosen, and then set it on the table for everyone to see. “The first word is ‘creepy,’” she said. “Now look at your cards and choose the word in your deck that best fits.”

Fili glanced at the red cards in his hand. He didn’t think he had any words that fit the definition of “creepy,” but in the end he chose “quicksand” and threw it down on the rapidly growing pile in the center of the table.

Once the last card was thrown onto the table, Dis reached for the pile and began to turn over the red cards. She frowned as she read each card out loud – the words the other players had chosen ranged from the relatively benign, like Fili’s “quicksand” card, to rather strange ( _“penguins?!”_ Dis had demanded as she had read that particular card. “Who here thinks that penguins are _creepy?!”_ ).

In the end, Dis reached for the “quicksand” card and held it up. “This one’s the winner,” she said. “Whose was this?”

Fili blinked; he hadn’t expected his card to be chosen. “Uh, that was mine.”

“Then the first point goes to you.” Dis smiled and passed him his card. “Everyone, draw a new card for the next round!”

And so the game went on like that for some time, everyone laughing at the more bizarre cards, or complaining when their card wasn’t chosen. Even Kili began to join in after while – he had started the game by sullenly throwing in whatever card was at the top of his deck without even bothering to read it, but Fili noticed he was now carefully considering his options – apparently intent on challenging Frerin, who was once again in the lead.

Soon, it was Fili’s turn to draw the next green card. “The word is ‘painful,’” he said, setting the card down and glancing around the table. Not exactly a word he cared to think too much about, if the truth be known. He couldn’t help but let his gaze linger on Kili, and he wondered if the younger man was thinking along the same lines as he was. But Kili seemed intent on the game, his brow furrowed as he seemed to mull over his options. And then suddenly his eyes lit up and he slammed a card down on the table.

“Everyone ready?” Fili asked a moment later. At everyone’s agreement, he began to collect the cards and read them out loud. “‘Grass skirts,’” he started, shaking his head. “Not quite seeing the connection to ‘painful,’ I’m afraid. What else do we have?” He set the next card down on the table. “Let’s see… ‘commuting,’ ‘hiccups,’ ‘first day of school,’ and... ‘sloppy joes’?

“Well, I think the choice is clear here,” Fili said at last. “‘Commuting’ is definitely the most painful thing in this group.”

“ _Yes!”_ Kili cheered, reaching forward to grab his card. “I _knew_ you’d pick that one!”

“What?!” Frerin cut in with a loud whine. “How could you not pick ‘first day of school’?” He shot Fili a wounded look.

But Kili just shook his head. “Fili’s a complete nerd, he _loved_ school,” he enthused, his eyes soft. “But he hates his commute.”

Fili’s stomach did a weird flip at that; it had been so long since he’d seen that look on Kili’s face, and he was reminded, very suddenly, of how much he had missed it.

And then he realized Kili was looking straight at him. “Unless you’ve moved?” the brunet asked, his expression guarded once again.

Fili swallowed, his mouth dry. “I haven’t moved,” he said quietly.

And that was that; they were both pulled back into the present, reminded of all they had been through over the last year, and what they had lost. Kili turned away from him again, and an awkward silence descended upon the table – a rare occurrence in Kili’s family. Until Frerin suddenly groaned.

“Aw, Kili, you’re tied with me now!”

“That’s right,” Kili said smugly, seeming to easily snap back to the game at hand, and threw an evil smile in Frerin’s direction. “And I just need one more card to win. You are _so_ going down!”

The Apples to Apples tournament was back on.

 

*

*

 

Several rounds – and hours later – Fili was close to calling it quits. There was really only so much of the card game that he could take, but Kili and Frerin were at war, tied once again, with only one more card needed to win. They, along with Dis, had each won a round a piece, and they were now about to determine the overall winner with one last game.

“The word is ‘explosive,’” Fili sighed, praying this would be the last round. “Choose your cards.”

The other players quickly threw in their cards – most of the others, like Fili, had basically given up. But Kili and Frerin soon followed, throwing their selections onto the pile.

“All right, so we have...” Fili began to flip the cards over. “’Skunks.’ ‘Cockroaches.’ ‘Hiccups.’ Again. ‘Running out of toilet paper.’ ‘Yellowstone Park.’” Not wanting to prolong things any more than he had to, Fili tapped the last card. “’Yellowstone Park’ wins the round.”

Kili pumped his fist. “That was mine! Victory!”

“So the game’s over and Kili is the winner,” Dis said wearily. _“Finally.”_

Frerin groaned. “Where’s your sense of humor, Fili? My toilet paper card was clearly the best.”

Fili shrugged as he began to help Dis pack up the game. “What can I say? I call them as I see them.”

“ _Sure_ you do,” Frerin drawled, a teasing smile on his face. “I bet you and Kili have some kind of under-the-table agreement going. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you’ve been choosing his cards an awful lot tonight!” Frerin stroked his chin, his eyes lost in thought. “Yeah, yeah, that’s the only way that Kill could have beaten me!” He looked over at Kili and called out, “You cheater!”

Kili’s head snapped up, a dangerous glint in his eyes. “I didn’t cheat,” he insisted, his triumphant smile gone in a flash. “You lost fair and square, Uncle Frerin.”

“Doubtful! It seems like the kind of thing you’d do – especially considering the kind of company you’re keeping these days!”

Kili slammed his hands against the table. “I. Don’t. _Cheat,”_ he growled. There was an edge to his voice, one disproportionate to the situation at hand – it was clear that Frerin’s teasing had touched a nerve. And Kili soon seemed to realize he had overreacted. He stood up abruptly, his cheeks flushed – from embarrassment or anger, Fili couldn’t tell.

“I’m going to my room,” Kili mumbled. And this time, no one encouraged him to stay.

In the silence that followed, Fili awkwardly looked down at his hands. What had _that_ been all about? 

It seemed that Dis was similarly perplexed. “Of all the things to tease him about,” she grumbled, shooting her brother a dark look. “What you were _thinking?”_

“I was only trying to tease him about his shady new boss,” Frerin mumbled, looking contrite. “I swear, I wasn’t even _thinking_ about the scandal.” 

_New boss?_ Fili opened his mouth to ask, just as the door to the kitchen opened and Thorin strode through carrying a large tray.

“I’ve baked more cookies,” he solemnly announced. “Warm gingerbread men, fresh from the oven!”

Dwalin’s hand immediately shot forward to grab one.

But Fili turned back to look at Frerin. “What were you saying about Kili’s new boss?” Out of the corner of his eye, Fili could see Thorin set the tray down and take a seat, leaning forward with interest. Apparently this was news to him as well.

“Ah, that’s right, you wouldn’t have heard yet.” Frerin leaned back in his chair and ran a hand through his hair. “So, how do I say this? Kili recently accepted a job offer at Mirkwood Corp--” 

Fili sucked in a breath of air. The Mirkwood Corporation was a respectable enough company, though somewhat in decline as of late, and their CEO, Thranduil Greenleaf, was rumored to be particularly self-serving. There was also a bitter rivalry between their company and Thranduil’s, and Fili could only imagine how Thorin would react to the news.

But to his surprise, Thorin didn’t seem to be particularly bothered. “Kili knows there’s a place for him again at Erebor now,” he said, pulling his cookie tray away from Dwalin’s greedy hands. “I don’t expect he’ll be with Mirkwood for much longer.”

But Frerin only shook his head. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Thorin.” And then he sighed. “There’s a lot you still don’t know about.”

 

 


	7. 5 months earlier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time for another flashback! This one is for those of you who have been curious to know what Kili's been up to over the past few months.

Kili huffed, ignoring the knock on his door in favor of pulling the blanket over his head. It was too warm even without the blanket, but it wasn’t like that could make him feel any worse than he already did. He hadn’t even bothered to get up to close the window. It was July, it was hot, feeling sweaty and miserable came with the territory.

“Kili? It’s me, can I come in?” Frerin’s voice sounded muffled through the door.

Why did he bother? It wasn’t like someone else would show up at Frerin’s apartment. It wasn’t like anyone knew his uncle housed him. Of course Kili tended to hide somewhere else when Frerin had visitors, but they never came unexpected, so why the care?

Kili shrugged, aware that the other wouldn’t be able to see it.

The door opened a couple of heartbeats later. Frerin groaned as a cloud of hot air hit him in the face and hurried to the window. Once it was closed the sound of steps approached the bed. Kili’s eyes avoided the shape of his uncle, too focused on the wall. He’d never thought he would have memorized the texture of wallpaper one day.

Sadly his uncle had long since stopped allowing Kili to drown in the kind of lethargy that snuggled into him ever since he’d called Frerin to help him get his stuff out of the apartment.

The bed dipped where Frerin took a seat.

“How are you holding up?”

What a stupid question. Could this state be called _holding up_ at all? His life seemed pretty much over. He was in his late twenties and the world had never looked crueler. Without a place to live comfortably, to work, to enjoy himself… what was the point in trying at all? He had tried… in the beginning, before his phone started to ring with calls of distant relatives he’d only known existed by hearsay. People he hadn’t spoken to all his life suddenly demanded to know what had possessed him to ruin Thorin’s company. It wouldn’t have bothered him so much if at least the others had stuck with him. _God_ , the way his mother had talked to him with this disappointed undertone, as if she’d known her whole life Kili was going to let her down one day. Fili had merely been the final straw.  Kili had never expected that out of his partner, his family, and friends, Frerin would be the only one to believe his word.

This whole situation was beyond messed up. So what else could he do but shrug once again?

Frerin sighed. “Were you in bed all day?”

“Don’t need to leave the bed to have people tell me over the phone that they won’t hire me. Might as well be comfortable while my life turns to shit,” Kili mumbled, unable to keep the bitterness from slipping into his voice.

A heavy silence followed. No one would trust him with sensitive information again. It didn’t matter if it were company secrets or just private data of customer or other employees. They weren’t willing to put trust in him. Kili couldn’t even fault them, they were just being cautious. Once a thief, always a thief… only that he’d been framed and there was no way to prove it.

“Maybe… maybe you should change your approach, look around more widely?” Frerin suggested, attempting to sound hopeful but failing completely.

“It’s not going to work, uncle. Even if I withhold it in my résumé, they just have to google my name and _poof_ !” 

The internet wasn’t going to forget. It was a damn nightmare.

“It might not be ideal,” Frerin said after a long pause, “but a friend of mine is looking for a temp.”

“Uncle-" Kili sighed.

“No, let me continue,” Frerin stopped him before he could protest further. “He has a stud farm and he needs someone to clean out the stables, feed the horses and so on… I mean, I _know_ this isn’t what you wanted, but at least no one can claim your reputation would be an issue for this job. And if you do end up with secrets in your pockets you can at least make a career out of being a horse whisperer.”

Wrinkling his nose, Kili glanced up at his uncle and snorted despite himself at the crooked smile he found on Frerin’s lips.

“Listen, I know this sucks,” the other continued, sobering down. “But lying here all day isn’t going to help you in any way. Just tell me you will think about it.”

Naturally his uncle got a point, staying in bed was just the easiest way. After so many setbacks Kili was lacking the strength to try, however. He would prefer _easier_ over any new sort of accusation or distrust and he couldn’t really say how shoveling dung all day was supposed to help him.

Yet he found himself unable to refuse. Kili had cut almost everyone out of his life, too hurt to deal with their mislead judgement. None of them was trusting him, but his uncle Frerin was here, believing in him… supporting him… and if Kili wasn’t able to pull it together, it was probably only a matter of time until he pushed Frerin away as well. Regardless how terrible he felt, how much his shit-show of a life demanded of him in its attempt to break him, there was one thing Kili feared more than all of the things that had already happened to him – ending up alone. Kili had never done well on his own.

“Okay, I will consider it,” he therefore complied.

Frerin patted his shoulder through the blanket encouragingly. “That’s the spirit. Now get up, I brought us pizza for dinner.”

 

*

*

 

Frerin’s friend Eomer hired Kili a couple of days later. The work was surprisingly demanding, especially since Kili hadn’t taken the best care of himself after the suspension. But even if he had been in better shape, he doubted it would’ve been any easier. The work required the strength of muscles he hadn’t even known he possessed.

Like everything, however, it got easier with time. The work didn’t need much thinking and became an automatism after a while and just like that his aching muscles began to adept as well. The work in any wind and weather also started to improve on his mood, although he was never fooled into believing he could be happy living like this, but right now it helped to make the world look a little less vile.

 

*

*

 

It happened a couple of weeks later. Kili was carrying two buckets of water to the paddock. The pump close to it had been damaged and so he had to do the work manually. It was a sunny day, thankfully not as sweltering as the days before, but the sweat was still running down his back and brow uncomfortably.

In the bright sunlight a red glimmer caught his eyes, urging him to turn his head. His gaze landed on a woman around his age, long fiery hair, elaborately braided, swayed gently in the rhythm of her steps. She led a gray horse at her side. It was called Star, if Kili remembered the name of the mare correctly.

He couldn’t tell what it was that made her eyes met his, perhaps she had just noticed his presence at the edge of her field of view or maybe there was no reason at all, but she saw him and smiled at him. Kili grinned right back.

 

*

*

 

Over the following days Kili spotted her more frequently at the stud farm. He worked and she went to ride out on Star, which had to be her horse. They would nod at each other and smile, carrying on with their day right after.

His confidence had suffered under the accusations and the way they were still affecting his life, so it took him longer than it usually would for him to walk up to her and start a conversation. When he finally did, though, he learned that her name was Tauriel and coming here to ride was her outlet to deal with the stress at work.

They hit it off immediately. He learned that she dreamed of taking a whole year off of work to travel the world, just to see how many different places she would be able to see. Kili told her of the time he had gone to Paris for a business trip, for once not thinking of the problems that came after, but talking about architecture and cozy cafés.

Tauriel taught him how to ride and as thanks for being such a patient teacher Kili treated her to a meal at her favorite restaurant. It felt a little absurd, using dinner as a way to thank her, when there was actually no way able to show her how grateful Kili was for their blooming friendship. Their meetings, far away from Thorin and his empire, made him laugh openly again. Over the last months Kili had forgotten how it felt to be content, but Tauriel’s presence had returned this sense of joy.

It was the first time Kili realized how Erebor had trapped him all his life. From the very beginning he was raised with the understanding that the company would one day belong to him. Praise was rarely given, at least in his case, but if he received the approval he yearned for it was related to the company. He was a small cog in a big wheel that had to operate appropriately, regardless how he felt about it.

Most of his family worked for Erebor or were in some other way associated with it. He’d met most of his friends because their parents worked for Thorin, Fili had been no exception. Tauriel on the other hand had no part in this humongous system. The only thing she expected of him was to be himself. Kili didn’t have to impressive her, to prove himself to her, he was already enough. The knowledge was relieving.

“So, you’ve mentioned you have also been to Berlin,” Tauriel enquired curiously over dessert.

“Yeah, but most of the time I was cooped up in a conference hall. I didn’t see much of the city besides the Brandenburg Gate.”

“Mhh,” she hummed softly. “I guess I’m more interested in the Wall anyway.”

Kili blinked. He wasn’t a specialist on sights, especially in Europe, and yet he still wouldn’t have guessed that, out of all the things Berlin might have to offer, it would be a huge piece of concrete piquing Tauriel’s interest.

“Uh… why is that?”

“Because of all the history it’s surrounded by. A peaceful protest winning over a totalitarian regime? That’s remarkable!” she explained enthusiastically.

Kili laughed sheepishly. “I fear history was never my strong point.” While he enjoyed the aesthetic aspect of tourist attractions and other sights, he’d never cared much for their historical origin. Kili simply didn’t have the patience to deal with endless texts, mentioning names and events he couldn’t quite class.

Fortunately Tauriel wasn’t one to call him out on his lack of knowledge.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s one of my annoying habits. I see a place I want to visit and I end up reading everything I can find about it. It’s the closest I get to it for now.”

“Do you already have plans for visiting one of those places soon? At least you could cross one thing off your list.”

Tauriel sighed, swiveling her wine glass before taking a sip. “I wish, but with the way Mirkwood is doing right now, it would be irresponsible to leave for too long. I’m the press officer, it beats me why Thranduil thinks I can handle the marketing department on top. Of course we couldn’t continue with the other guy, but instead of shoving the work at me, he should’ve hired someone who knows their stuff.”

Kili went rigid. The casual atmosphere had evaporated, leaving only tension in its stead.

“Are you sure you should mention these things to me?” he wondered through clenched teeth. He suddenly regretted eating so much, the food sitting like a hot stone on his belly.

To his amazement Tauriel didn’t look horrified at her own openness, but merely surprised at the way Kili reacted. Taking in Kili’s tense posture, Tauriel’s gaze softened.

“I like to see for myself before passing judgement on someone and you, Kili,” her intense blue eyes didn’t shift away from his for a second, “you got a good heart. I trust you.”

Kili had to blink against the sudden blurriness of tears. He cleared his tight throat with difficulty, hoping it would be enough to keep his voice from breaking.

“Thank you,” he told her in a slightly trembling voice.

“Actually, maybe you can help me with this,” she stirred the conversation into another direction, encouraging Kili’s flustered mind to focus on a different topic. “The Mirkwood Corporation has a rather negative image as of late, our _idiot guy_ in marketing certainly hasn’t helped matters either. Thranduil wants a campaign for Christmas that shows us as a company of tolerance, equality and support. How would you proceed with requirements like this?”

Kili leaned back in his chair, frowning slightly as his head aligned everything it knew about Mirkwood with the demanded topics.

“Well, I made the experience that people need to relate to what they see. You need to hit them right in the heart for these things to work. So you can’t put Mirkwood in the center of the campaign, people’s view of them hasn’t been the best, so if they see the company’s logo you have already lost. If you focus on your anchor points however, tolerance, equality and support,” he held his hand up, raising a finger for each of the three keywords, “and only reveal Mirkwood as the initiator of the campaign when you already managed to affect them, then this can work out.”

Tauriel listened intensively to his explanations, using them as inspiration to discuss a possible marketing plan with Kili for the rest of the evening.

Two days later Thranduil invited him to a job interview.

 


	8. 22nd December

 

 

The kitchen was nearly deserted when Fili went downstairs for breakfast the next morning. Nearly, but not entirely. He steeled himself when he noticed who had beaten him to the refrigerator, and forced a smile onto his face.

“Good morning,” he said to Kili, as casually as he could. “Anything good in there?”

“Cookie dough,” Kili muttered, and shut the refrigerator door with a grimace. “Lots and lots of cookie dough. I don’t think I’ve seen Thorin bake this much since the summer my dad died.”

Fili swallowed, the topic of conversation taking him by surprise. “Oh?”

“It’s his way of showing he actually has feelings. Or something. I don’t know.” Kili threw himself down onto one of the chairs surrounding the kitchen table. “He’s trying to say he’s sorry for what happened. Without actually saying it.”

Sensing a rare opportunity to finally talk, Fili slid onto the chair next to Kili’s. “He hasn’t apologized to you yet?”

Kili shrugged, then stared at the wall. “Maybe he did. Can’t remember. Does it matter?” He finally glanced at Fili, then back at the wall. “What’s done is done.”

There was a tight feeling in Fili’s chest then; he had a feeling that Kili was talking more about him than his uncle. Taking a deep breath, he tried to consider what to say before blurting something he would later regret. “You don’t think,” he began, “that someone can ever be forgiven for making a mistake?”

“Depends on the mistake,” Kili muttered, looking up again. His eyes were shining, with hurt or barely-contained anger, Fili couldn’t tell. Perhaps both. “I can’t get past this from just an apology, you know. I still--” Kili cut himself off and turned away, as if it was a struggle to say whatever he was thinking. “I used to think about us, sometimes,” he finally murmured. “Not so much anymore. But I’d think about us, and everything we did together, and I’d wonder…” He swallowed. “How much of it was real? What kind of person did you think I was, all that time?”

“Kili…” Fili groped for something to say but fell short. It hurt to hear that, to have their entire relationship dismissed based on one, admittedly large, mistake. It also hurt to hear that Kili no longer thought about them as much, when Fili still had to remind himself every day that he was supposed to have moved on by now.

He blinked and looked down. “I was thinking that I loved you,” he found himself saying, “and I was trying to figure out how I could protect you, in the middle of a very bad situation. I had never doubted your integrity until then.” He stared at the table, and balled his hand into a fist -- he was tempted to reach out to Kili, but he knew his touch wouldn’t be welcome. “But the evidence…”

“Was fake.” There was a strange, watery quality to Kili’s voice just then.

“It’s an excuse, I know,” Fili said quickly, glancing up. “But it seemed… it seemed to make sense. At the time.”

“Right,” Kili said. “But it shouldn’t have.” He cleared his throat and stood abruptly, scratching his cheek. “Well. Hope you feel better now that you’ve gotten that off your chest?” He didn’t wait for an answer, pushing his chair back and walking toward the door. “Tell Thorin and the others that I’m going into town. I’ll be back in a few hours.”

“Wait!” Fili scrambled after his ex, following him down the hall. “I don’t want you to leave like this. It’s good that we’re talking, don’t you think?” He took a deep breath, tried to ignore the unimpressed look that Kili was throwing his way. “Why don’t I come with you, I’ll buy you lunch--”

“No.” Kili’s voice was firm, but the hard look in his eyes softened at whatever expression Fili must have had on his face. “Look, I’m not even trying to be a dick right now, all right? It’s just that I’m, uh, meeting someone.”

Fili tried to squelch the flash of jealousy that had immediately sprang up at that; the way that Kili wouldn’t meet his eyes seemed significant just then.  _ Meeting who?!  _

Pushing the thought aside, Fili blurted, “I was actually planning to go into town myself. My phone charger isn’t working,” he added, at Kili’s skeptical look. “I’ve been meaning to see if any of the souvenir shops had some for sale.”

Kili frowned. “I suppose I could look for one for you while I’m out...” he started.

“I’m particular about my charging cables,” Fili insisted, which sounded stupid even to him. He sighed. “Look, I can make myself scarce before you meet your… friend. Or whoever. But it’s a long walk into town, and we’re both going the same way, so you might as well walk with me.”

Kili looked like he still wanted to protest, but in the end he just rolled his eyes and grabbed his coat. “Fine,” he growled, “but I’m done talking about what happened!”

Fili just smiled as he laced up his boots. That may have been the case, but somehow this still felt like a win.

 

*

*

 

The feeling was short lived. He and Kili had managed to survive the hike into town, though conversation was brief. But things hit a slight snag as soon as they approached the main street leading up to the ski lodge that was the town’s main attraction.

“Kili!” a tall woman with long red hair suddenly called out, and she raced past a series of light posts wrapped with Christmas lights in order to meet them.

Fili’s first thought was that she was extremely beautiful, and the second was that she and Kili looked very comfortable together. Not so comfortable that Fili felt he was intruding, but that was only a small relief. “Merry Christmas, Kili!” the woman said, pressing a nicely wrapped box into Kili’s hands. “Don’t open this now, but I wanted to make sure you got it before Christmas.”

“Dammit, Tauriel,” Kili grumbled, his cheeks flushed. “I didn’t… I don’t have anything for you…”

Fili had the sudden, hysterical thought that he should run into one of the souvenir shops and find something like a snow globe. And then he shook his head and asked himself why he was even considering playing wingman for his  _ ex-boyfriend. _ Was he really that desperate to get back into Kili’s good graces?

He returned to the conversation just in time to hear Tauriel grumble, “You’re supposed to say ‘thank you,’ you know!” But then she smiled. “It’s fine, we didn’t agree to get each other anything. But I know it’s been a hard year for you, and I just thought…” She trailed off, her eyes landing on Fili for the first time. “...Oh.”

It appeared that she knew who he was.

Fili forced a smile to his face. “Hello,” he started. He was suddenly feeling much too warm, even though the temperature outside was below freezing. “I’m Fili. I, uh, just tagged along to get a phone charger, but I can give you two some time alone…”

“Nonsense!” Tauriel seemed to recover from her surprise quickly. “You don’t need to go. Join us for lunch--”

_ “Tauriel,” _ Kili hissed.

“--so I can get to know you myself,” Tauriel continued. “I’ve heard a lot about you!”

Fili laughed awkwardly. “Good things, I hope?”

Tauriel just smiled. “Here and there!”

 

*

*

 

Fili wasn’t sure what was weirder, the fact that he was essentially a third-wheel on his ex-boyfriend’s lunch date with his new girlfriend, or the fact that he didn’t actually feel like a third-wheel at all. Perhaps it was because Kili and Tauriel kept PDA to a minimum -- in fact, they never so much as held hands. Even stranger, Fili had somehow winded up sharing a booth seat with Kili when Tauriel had decided to sit on the opposite side of the table. It was almost like Tauriel had wanted Fili and Kili to sit next to each other -- but what kind of girlfriend wanted her boyfriend to sit next to his ex?

Keenly aware of Kili’s presence at his side, Fili tried to make sense of what was happening. Did Tauriel know that he and Kili had been lovers, or did she think they had just been co-workers? He frowned and stared at his menu.

The thought was soon forgotten once they began to talk. Fili learned that Kili had worked at a stud farm for a few months before accepting his new position at Mirkwood. It was a little hard to picture Kili working in such an environment -- he and Kili both enjoyed the outdoors, but he knew that Kili had only ever worked in a corporate setting before. And so it was fascinating to hear Tauriel talk about Kili caring for the horses, and all the hard labor he had been expected to do. Fili’s chest swelled with pride a little bit -- but it also hurt to hear that he had missed out on so much. That Tauriel had been the one to share this with Kili, instead of him. 

Kili wasn’t talking much, but Fili had come to expect that by now. But his walls did come down every so often for Tauriel, and Fili was torn between feeling relieved that Kili  _ could  _ open up with the right prompting -- that the card game the day before hadn’t been just a fluke -- and jealousy: that he was no longer the one who could pull Kili out of one of his moods anymore. Just when he had convinced himself that perhaps Kili and Tauriel weren’t dating after all… 

Well, if they weren’t, then they had clearly become very close. In less than a year’s time.

Fili poked at his fries with his fork, his appetite suddenly gone. Perhaps Tauriel was a sadist, and that was why she had invited him here.

But that didn’t seem quite right, either. Like Kili, Tauriel had defrosted somewhat over the course of their meal as well: though she had been outwardly warm from the start, Fili could tell he was being scrutinized, as though she didn’t quite trust him -- which he supposed he deserved. But whatever she was looking for, she appeared pleased with, and he appeared to have passed whatever she had been testing him on by the end of lunch.

At that point, they left the diner to walk past the shops, admiring the Christmas decorations that adorned the town square. For once, the cold air came as a relief to Fili; he breathed it in as he tried to clear his mind. If he didn’t think about it too hard, spending time with Kili and Tauriel was almost fun, like an afternoon hanging out with old friends. But then he would catch a glimpse of Kili and Tauriel standing next to one another, looking happy, and something in his chest began to feel tight. 

But over the course of the afternoon, that reaction became less frequent, even though he couldn’t put his finger on why. Perhaps it was because he still wasn’t sure what Kili and Tauriel were to each other.

Fili eventually got his chance to ask later that afternoon. They had all stopped by an ice cream shop for dessert when Tauriel had glanced at her watch and realized she was about to miss her bus. And so with a hurried goodbye -- and a hug for Kili -- Tauriel had raced outside and down toward the station.

Fili and Kili both glanced at the chocolate sundae that Tauriel had left behind uneaten. “It would be a pity to let that go to waste,” Fili started.

“You already have ice cream,” Kili grumbled, “as do I.” He took a bite of his waffle cone to emphasize his point.

“That’s why I’m proposing we share,” Fili said, and handed Kili a spoon.

They ate quickly, both trying to finish before all of their ice cream melted. Navigating Tauriel’s abandoned ice cream dish proved a bit trickier, Fili’s left hand bumping into Kili’s right as they tried to avoid taking the same bite. Eventually, Fili threw down his spoon. “I’m full,” he said, “and freezing. You can have the rest.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” Kili said, grabbing the bowl and placing it in front of him.

Fili bit back a smile; so much for Kili’s protests that they already had ice cream, then.

As Kili polished off what remained of the sundae, Fili leaned back in his chair and thought over their strange -- and, in the end, strangely pleasant -- afternoon. Eventually he cleared his throat. “What exactly,” he began, “is Tauriel to you?”

Kili’s head snapped up, and he gave Fili a wary look. “She’s my friend,” he started, setting the nearly empty bowl down. “Am I not allowed to make new friends or something?”

“I mean, are you dating?” The question had come out a bit harsher than Fili had intended, but at least it was out there now.

If Kili noticed, he made no show of it. He just rolled his eyes and said, “Of course we’re not, she’s just a friend,” and resumed eating. Just when it seemed that would be the end of it, he added, “But she’s a very important one.

“She was there for me when no one else was. When I really needed someone.”

“But you  _ had _ people!” Fili blurted. “Or would have, if you hadn’t cut us all out!”

“No, Fili.” Kili shook his head. “When I told her what had happened, she believed me.” He began to put his coat back on. “And that’s why she’s my friend, and you’re not anymore.”

 

 


	9. 23rd December

Fili went to breakfast the next morning feeling groggy and heavy. While most of the afternoon in Kili and Tauriel’s company had been pleasing, Kili’s words had haunted him for most of the night. He didn’t know what to do, the feeling of helplessness sitting heavily on his chest. Fili was finally beginning to understand how deeply the distrust had hurt Kili and how desperately he had needed a friend… had needed Fili…

Yet there was still a small angry voice, far in the back of his head, whispering to him that Kili wasn’t completely blameless either. Running and ignoring Fili’s texts and calls hadn’t really allowed Fili to be there for him. It had cut like a knife, hearing Kili say that Tauriel had believed him when Fili did not. But then it had got him thinking, perhaps, with more time after the discovery of the evidence, Fili would’ve realized that Kili was innocent.

After all, he  _ had _ believed him. The forged proof had turned his world upside down, crashing into him with a force that made him tumble and caused him to question the extent of Kili’s involvement in it, but it hadn’t made him love Kili any less. Hadn’t made him want their relationship any less.

He couldn’t say what would’ve happened had Kili given him more time, but Fili liked to think that he would’ve understood eventually. Once the shock upon finding the evidence had worn off, they would’ve sat down to talk calmly and Fili would’ve realized that Kili wasn’t lying to him. Fili then would’ve supported him through the following hard months until one day it would be okay. But Kili had not only taken such a chance from him with leaving so suddenly, but also made himself appear even guiltier.

They had both messed up and oddly enough, this thought filled Fili with a strange sense of calmness. Nevertheless, he was still at a loss on how to proceed, if he should give Kili space or spend time with him, if he wanted him back or not. Fili hadn’t stopped loving Kili, but trust had been broken between them and if it could be fixed wasn’t solely his decision. So at the moment he simply settled for having Kili back in his life, regardless how little Kili was ready to offer.

His own new set of insights didn’t help with the general awkwardness at breakfast, however. It was pretty obvious to everyone who used his eyes to observe that Kili seemed out of place. He brushed it off with an indifferent attitude, but Fili, finally getting better at reading Kili again, was able to see the uncomfortableness oozing off of him.

So when Thorin asked his nephew if he wanted to help him bake yet even more Christmas cookies and gingerbread men and Kili declined, claiming he wanted to go skiing today, Fili knew that the brunet wasn’t looking for company.

“That sounds like a good idea. We haven’t done that in a very long time,” Thorin invited himself with a satisfied nod, as if Kili had just made a peace offering.

“Probably because you could never work out how to get a firm foothold,” Frerin snickered at the other end of the table.

“Not all of us have the time to master every sport,” Thorin replied stiffly.

“That’s a wonderful idea, dear. So close to Christmas the ski run is mostly empty,” Dis addressed Kili warmly.

Next to Fili Gimli muttered sullenly, “I knew I should’ve brought my board.”

The family engaged in an excited conversation, agreeing to get ready right after breakfast to make use of as much daylight as possible. Thror and Oin decided they were too old for this kind of exercise and would therefore stay at the house, talking about enjoying a hot toddy while the others went out.

Fili listened to the animated talk, equally interested as apprehensive. A glance at Kili justified his uneasiness. Kili’s fork poked at the scrambled eggs on his plate with way more force than necessary. His features were surprisingly calm, but Fili noticed the tension in his shoulders nonetheless.

 

*

*

 

Fili was the first to head downstairs. In the adjacent living room Thror and Oin had made themselves comfortable. The TV was turned on, although muted, and on the coffee table Fili spotted a copy of  _ It’s a Wonderful Life _ . 

He couldn’t help but smile, thinking back at his first Christmas he’d spent with Kili’s family. His boyfriend had been groaning about his great-grandfather. Obviously it was a tradition that he would watch this movie every year around Christmas. While Fili had thought this endearing, Kili had seen the movie so often that he couldn’t stand it anymore. Half-way through Kili had convinced Fili to go back to their room and spend their time differently. No one had said a word as they slipped out of the room, Kili’s family long since aware of his dislike.

It seemed like Thror intended to make good use of the lack of good-natured complaints.

A TV spot caught Fili’s attention. Even though there was no sound, the images drew a smile to his lips. Children running around, swinging, sharing ice-cream, playing together and helping each other with homework. In this spot skin color didn’t matter, genders didn’t matter, they were all the same in their vibrant boisterous joy, sharing their happiness with one another unbiased.

Fili wondered what this spot tried to advertise, perhaps a school or a summer camp? Nothing could’ve prepared him for the last frame, showing the logo of the Mirkword Corporation.

“That Thranduil actually believes such a feel-good campaign is going to save his reputation.”

Startled, Fili spun around. His heart, after a quick run, was already calming down again. Completely lost in the spot Thorin’s sudden appearance had given Fili quite a jump. His boss didn’t address his reaction, was instead staring at the TV as if it had personally offended him.

“Actually,” Frerin began, having arrived at the same time as his older brother, “the surveys register something else.”

Thorin turned to look at him, a deep frown forming on his brow. Fili couldn’t say he felt any less intrigued. After all, Thranduil was now Kili’s boss.

“And how do you know that?” Thorin demanded to know.

Frerin shrugged lightly. “I just like to follow Kili’s work, is all.”

Fili’s eyes widened in surprise and his weren’t the only ones.

“You mean, he was involved with the campaign?” Fili asked, thinking back to Kili’s work in the marketing department at Erebor, his ideas often suffering under Alfrid’s meddling and Thorin’s personal anti-favoritism policy when it came to his nephew. Despite his good work, Kili could count himself lucky if he was allowed to take part in a bigger project.

“No, as in, it’s  _ his _ campaign,” Frerin replied with a wide grin.

Fili gasped, his mouth dropping open until his head was finally able to put the pieces together. A breathless laugh escaped his throat.

_ Holy shit!  _ This was more than just a big deal. This was  _ huge _ _!_ This was what Kili had always dreamed of! Getting his ideas out there, proving himself. He spent so much time researching what other companies did, what worked and what misfired, kept up-to-date with the news to avoid clashing with any terrible event that had just taken place. Most of this stuff was done in his  _ free time _ _!_ Seeing him finally receive the recognition he deserved filled Fili with a sense of enormous pride. He wanted to run out of the house and scream for the entire world to hear:  _ I freaking told you, he is amazing! _

If Kili and him were on better terms, Fili would pull him into a hug as soon as he showed his beautiful face down here!

Only one person in their little circle didn’t seem to share Fili’s happiness.

 

*

*

 

The walk towards the ski region was a little shorter than towards the town itself, which was why they made good of the crisp but sunny morning and refrained from using the cars.

Kili seemed determined to keep distance between himself and the others, walking at the far back. Fili couldn’t help but glance worriedly over his shoulder. One thing he’d learned during the last days was that Kili opened up once he was included into an activity, a sense of safety was probably also a contributing factor.

Fili ended his casual conversation with Frerin, before falling back slowly. Kili looked at him warily by the time they walked at the same pace.

“While I waited downstairs, I saw one of your TV spots for Mirkwood Corp.” Fili assumed this might be the safest way to start a conversation.

And indeed, it seemed to be the right approach if the way it made Kili prick up his ears was anything to go by. The guarded mask was still in place, but instead of the distant gleam in his eyes Fili noticed now a spark of curiosity.

“You did?” Kili inquired hesitantly.

Fili nodded.

“The TV was muted, but it was still very moving. I assume the topic was… fairness?” choosing his words carefully, Fili waited for his ex to confirm or deny his speculation.

A small smile wandered to Kili’s lips. “Something like that.”

“Nailed it!” Fili grinned widely, causing Kili to hide a snort – Fili heard it anyway. It wasn’t one of his soft, beautiful laughs, but at least it was another proof that Kili was still as kind-hearted as on the day they had first met, although perhaps a little rough around the edges now. He could’ve called him out on his cockiness, might even have good reason to and yet he hadn’t turned away. The thought dispelled the mirth he’d just been feeling. “I’m happy for you, you know?” Fili confided to him sincerely.

Kili studied Fili’s face poignantly, probably searching for something that betrayed Fili’s honesty. Fili met his gaze without shame. It was the truth, he was happy for him. Happy that he finally received the respect and the recognition he deserved. Kili seemed to notice this as well, for he gave a satisfied nod, opened his mouth to speak and-

-was forced to abrupt silence when Thorin suddenly decided to join them.

Kili’s mouth snapped shut so fast, Fili was surprised it wasn’t accompanied by an audible sound.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” Thorin began, sounding anything but apologetic. Fili narrowed his eyes at his boss unhappily. He’d felt like he was finally getting somewhere, so of course someone had to step in and ruin it. “I thought, since we still have a bit of a walk ahead of us, we could use the time to talk.”

Kili eyed his uncle suspiciously.

“Sure,” he said warily.

Thorin turned, looking pointedly at Fili. “Would you give us some privacy?”

Fili shoved his gloved hands into the pockets of his winter jacket, hiding them when he balled them into fists with frustration. Sure, he shouldn’t forget that without Thorin he would neither know the truth nor have got a chance to talk to Kili about what happened. Yet he couldn’t feel very grateful. It wasn’t like Thorin had been short of time. The way Kili kept his distance to his family told him pretty clearly that his boss had been given more than enough opportunities to speak with Kili privately. Not to mention what Kili had told Fili the day before.

Still, he was merely a guest at Thorin’s house and thus heaved a silent sigh and stepped away from uncle and nephew.

How could a man fluctuate between a kind father figure and the pigheaded guy over there, barging into their conversation as if it was anything but tactless? Fili shook his head, catching up with Frerin walking in the middle of the group.

Frerin grimaced when he connected Fili’s sour expression to Thorin and Kili speaking quietly.

“You know why I never doubted Kili?” he asked Fili out of the blue.

Fili stared at him, waiting for Frerin to continue.

“I’m the middle child and boy, was I jealous of Thorin and Dis most of the time growing up,” he said with a wistful smile. “Thorin, the oldest, who was going to inherit Erebor and Dis, the baby of the family. I kind of fell through the cracks in this dynamic. It wasn’t always easy growing up like that, but once I found things to be proud of, I stopped looking at my parents for approval and went where it was freely given to me. It helped me to lead a much healthier life. And so I knew Kili just needed to come to a similar realization. He has a good heart and therefore I knew he wouldn’t have done any of this.”

Fili hunched his shoulders. Of course jealousy alone was no reason to think Kili capable of ruining the family’s business. He wondered how often he would end up feeling ashamed for believing the evidence over Kili’s word.

“Hey, I don’t blame you,” Frerin replied softly and surprising Fili completely. “You and most of the family are so deeply invested with the company, you had to look at it from two different angles. I couldn’t care less about Erebor, so I had only Kili’s side to regard. You had been given reason to believe it was him and if things were different, maybe I would’ve accused Kili too. I guess what I’m trying to say is, what’s done is done, the only thing we can do is look forward and try to make the best of it.”

Fili sighed, kicking against the snow under his boots.

“I wish I could see it like that. I feel horrible,” he murmured. Maybe forgiving himself would come easier in that case.

Frerin patted him comfortingly on the back. Kili’s uncle seemed far too calm for Fili’s taste, but then again, if he’d already went through similar things, perhaps he was simply speaking from experience.

“No, I won’t come back to work for you! Why can’t you just accept that?” Kili’s raised voice cut through the quietness of nature.

Almost simultaneously all heads turned to Thorin and his nephew, whose expressions made it pretty obvious that they had already been arguing for a while, until it had eventually broken out of the brunet.

“What’s going on here?” Dis demanded to know, breaking away from the head of the group and marching up to her brother and son.

“Your unreasonable son refuses to return to Erebor!” Thorin nodded accusingly to Kili.

“Thorin,” Dis hissed warningly, but wasn’t given the chance to speak on Kili’s behalf.

“Why the hell would I want to work for you again? I’ve got a job already!”

“At Thranduil’s,” Thorin spat the name as if it was about to cut his tongue. “Your place is with Erebor! Not a shady snake that just uses you to get to me!”

“Excuse me?” Kili gasped, his voice turning slightly jarring with bewilderment. “He hired me when everyone still believed I betrayed my family! He had nothing to gain from me!”

“And this is exactly why you shouldn’t continue working for him! He obviously hires people who can’t be trusted,” Thorin growled furiously.

Fili felt like he was watching a car crash, vehicles colliding, causing a damage that couldn’t be repaired, while the only thing he could do was stand at the sidewalk and watch the horror unfold. He saw the exact moment Thorin’s words hit home, the way Kili flinched as if he’d been physically struck. The sight of it made him wince, as if the blow had been meant for both of them.

And just like that his protective instincts flared up. He took a hurried step forward, planting himself next to Kili.

“That’s enough, Thorin!” he barked. “Christ! Are you even listening to yourself?” Boss or not, invited or not, Thorin had crossed a line and Fili couldn’t stand by and watch it happen. With the way Dis was glowering at her brother, he’d just stepped in in time to stop her from slapping him. “I’m with Kili on this, he shouldn’t come back. He has found a job where is work gets the appreciation it deserves. Where he gets the respect he deserves!”

Kili met his gaze briefly, an unreadable expression lying in his eyes. Noticing the little tremors running through Kili’s body Fili wished he was still allowed to pull Kili into his arms, to promise him everything was going to be alright.

“What kind of nonsense is this?” Thorin threw his hands up angrily. “Kili’s work has always been appreciated at Erebor!”

The assertion felt so ridiculous Fili didn’t know if he should laugh or cry.

Without another word Kili turned on his heel, brushed past every member of his family and headed towards the ski resort. If this was still his destination however, no one could tell. His steps were fast and firm.

“Don’t you dare walk away from me!” Thorin called after him.

“What are you going to do? Fire me? Sue me? Be. My. Guest!” Kili shouted over his shoulder, his pace not once faltering.

 


	10. 23rd December (part II)

 

Needless to say, no one was much in the mood for skiing after that. Their group soon split up: Frerin, Dis, and most of the rest went into town for lunch, while Gimli said he would go on a hike -- though Fili suspected his real purpose was to look for Kili. Fili was tempted to join him, but he still had unfinished business with the last member of their party.

To his surprise, Thorin did not look angry. In fact, the look on his face was quite unlike any expression that Fili had ever seen there before -- he looked stunned, like he had just taken a blow that he had never seen coming. It was a surprisingly vulnerable look for Thorin, and briefly, Fili wondered if Frerin and the others had had the right idea -- to give Thorin a moment alone to recover.

But then Thorin turned to look at Fili, his mouth downturned. “How long has Kili felt like this?” he asked, and when an answer wasn’t immediately forthcoming, he looked to the ground and whispered, “Have I lost him entirely?”

It had been the last thing that Fili had expected to hear, and he swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat. “I don’t know,” he said. “I hope not.”

Thorin’s shoulders sagged. “How do I fix this?”

Fili blinked; it was rare for Thorin to ask for help, and especially not for personal matters. And while Fili was normally happy to offer advice, he knew he was out of his depth this time. “You’re asking the wrong guy,” he huffed with a self-deprecating laugh. “If I knew, I would have done it already.”

Fili shoved his hands in his pockets and began to walk down the trail again. “Once you’ve broken someone’s trust, it’s pretty hard to get it back,” he added. “It’s up to Kili now, what happens next. Perhaps we just have to face the consequences, acknowledge that we fucked up. That maybe we _can’t_ fix this.”

“I can’t accept that,” Thorin growled, walking alongside Fili. “He’s my nephew, and I…”

“Care about him?” Fili finally supplied, to fill the ensuing silence.

“Yes.” Thorin swallowed and looked down. “Very much so.”

“Then tell him.” Fili sighed, stared at the snow crunching underneath his feet. “Because we’ve been shit at demonstrating that. Both of us.”

Thorin seemed to sink in on himself then, as if acknowledging the truth in that statement for the first time. Then he shook his head. “No. Not you.”

“Yes. Me. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me most.” Fili sighed, thinking back to his encounter with Tauriel the day before. How the role she had recently played in Kili’s life _should_ have been his -- and that it might have been, if he hadn’t given Kili a reason to leave. “How do I make up for that?” he wondered out loud.

Thorin just snorted and shook his head disdainfully. “You’re just giving up, then?”

Fili stopped walking and turned to face Thorin. “I’m not giving up, no,” he said. “But I’m going to leave what happens next to Kili. I’ve tried to apologize, and I want to make things right, but if he doesn’t want to hear it…” Fili sighed. “I’m not going to say this was _all_ my fault; I still wish Kili had given me a chance to calm down and start thinking clearer. But, if we’re ever going to be friends again…” He trailed off; of course he couldn’t consider being more than that. “Well, we can’t get past this solely on my terms. And I think, up until now, that’s how I’ve been operating.”

Thorin shook his head. “I’m not sure I know any other way.” A small smile crossed his features, just for a second, before it was gone. “But, I’ll try to understand his point of view, going forward.”

Fili took a deep breath, the cold air burning his lungs. “That’s all we really can do, isn’t it?”

 

*

*

 

Fili was sitting at a table in the ski lodge, sipping on a hot chocolate as his mind buzzed with half-formed thoughts. He wondered if he should approach Kili again after their aborted conversation earlier that day -- it seemed that had been the closest they had come to moving forward. If they were even going to move forward.

Fili frowned as he stared into his mug. Surely Kili wanted something, if he had agreed to spend Christmas here with him and all the others. But what was it? Apologizing didn’t seem to be working. But what more could he do? Was Kili trying to prove something else?

He was disturbed from his brainstorming by Gimli, who ran over to his table with a panicked look in his eye. “Kili’s hurt--” was all Gimli had time to say before Fili was out of his seat.

“Where is he?” he demanded, rushing toward the door. “What happened?”

“There was an accident,” Gimli huffed, out of breath. “I don’t know what happened, but apparently Kili was on the slopes, and he’s been injured. Ski Patrol found him and just brought him back.” He took a deep breath. “They’re, uh, calling an ambulance to take him to the hospital.”

Fili’s heart was in his throat as he made his way to the first aid station, and suddenly there Kili was -- conscious, but looking disoriented, his forehead bleeding. He was still lying in the ski toboggan he had been transported in, as if the first responders had been loath to move him any more than they had to.

“How is he?” Fili asked the first medic that he came across.

“Hard to say. Luckily he wasn’t out long, but he’s thrown up a few times since regaining consciousness, and he’s still a little disoriented. With an accident like this there’s a chance it could be serious, so he really needs to get to a hospital to get checked out.”

Fili knelt down next to Kili for lack of anything better to do. “How are you feeling?” he asked, stroking his hand along Kili’s arm as gently as he could.

“I’m _fine,”_ Kili stubbornly insisted, though his shaky voice and pale face suggested otherwise.

It was hard to see Kili look like that, wounded and out of sorts, and Fili began to wonder how something like this could have happened. “Why wasn’t he wearing a helmet?” he asked, as if anyone might know the answer.

Gimli just shrugged helplessly. “Who knows? He was probably still angry when he hit the slopes; safety wouldn’t have been his first thought.”

_This reckless--_ Fili closed his eyes for a moment, not giving voice to what he had been thinking. “Have you called the others yet?” he finally asked, looking toward Gimli.

“No, I--” Gimli blinked, then shook his head. “You were the first person I saw in the lodge.”

“Call them; let them know what happened.” Fili then turned back to Kili. “I’ll go with him when the ambulance arrives.”

 

*

*

 

The trip to the hospital was mercifully uneventful; Fili stayed by Kili’s bedside as they waited for a diagnosis, and tentatively, when the silence stretched too long, he reached out to take Kili’s hand. He hoped that Kili would just take it as the supportive gesture he had intended. And, thankfully, Kili didn’t protest or push him away.

But still the silence stretched. “Would it be better if I left?” Fili eventually asked, stroking his thumb across Kili’s knuckles. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Kili swallowed. “No,” he whispered. Finally, he turned to look at Fili. “You’re fine. Stay.”

Fili brushed some of Kili’s hair out of his face. “OK,” he said. “I can stay until Frerin or your mother gets here.”

“No,” Kili insisted, and then he squeezed Fili’s hand with his own, looking down again at the hospital bed. “Just, stay. Please.”

Fili knew it couldn’t have been easy for Kili to ask that, considering the shaky ground that their relationship -- if it could even be called that -- was currently founded on. But he also knew how much Kili hated hospitals, and how he’d do anything to avoid being in one. He had felt that way ever since his father had been taken to a hospital and unexpectedly died there, years ago when Kili had still been a child.

Fili knew that, and that had been the reason he had volunteered to go with Kili in the ambulance that day. He knew Kili wouldn’t want to be alone. And he also wasn’t sure if anyone else in Kili’s family knew about his fear -- after all, there had been a time, once, when Kili had trusted Fili more than anyone, even more than his own relatives. Over the years, he had revealed all his fears and insecurities to Fili, and what had he done with that knowledge?

Fili closed his eyes and shook his head; now wasn’t the time to be feeling sorry for himself. He had come here for Kili, and that was where he was going to keep his focus.

He took a deep breath that came out shaky. “All right, I’ll stay,” he whispered, “for as long as you want me here. I promise.”

Kili said nothing, but he did squeeze Fili’s hand again.

 


	11. 24th December

 

 

Dis and Frerin arrived by the time the results of the tests came in. Fili was surprised Thorin hadn’t joined them, considering their last conversation, but Dis informed him in no uncertain terms that she didn’t want anything upsetting close to her son right now. Fili took note of this gratefully. The results hinted at a mild concussion and what Kili therefore needed was time to rest and not another fight. Since Thorin and Kili could have a temper that was strangely alike, the latter was most likely to take place when the two met again.

While the diagnosis dispelled the worst of Fili’s fears, Kili still had to stay the night for observation just to make sure anything serious could be ruled out. It was terrible news for Kili, who hadn’t let go of Fili’s hand for almost the whole time and just squeezed it harder when the precaution was broken to him gently. Fili on the other hand couldn’t be more relieved. Learning that Kili was unable to recall the incident leading to his head wound had sent a jolt of shock through his body. It clamped his heart into a vice-like grip, pushing an uncomfortable ache into his chest.

Luckily the hospital took kindly to Kili’s anxiety and allowed the three of them to stay even after visiting hours were over. If not Fili would’ve certainly reconsidered his initial relief. As it was however, they were able to calm Kili enough for him to relax and take a couple of short naps.

At daybreak Fili’s back and neck hurt from the uncomfortable position he’d fallen asleep in: half-sitting in his chair and half-lying on the mattress of Kili’s bed, so his hand would be within reach should Kili need to hold onto it again. Fili groaned softly, just to be instantly shushed by Frerin.

He blinked confused, glancing at Frerin, who pointedly nodded into Kili’s direction. He seemed to be asleep. Truly asleep, not the light doze that just needed the faintest noise for him to startle. Fili nodded with a yawn, showing Frerin he understood. He really didn’t want to sit up, felt like his back would break apart if he moved, but did it anyway after a deep inhale for confidence. His back didn’t break, although it felt like it was a near thing.

Frerin was busy typing on his phone by the time Fili leaned back in his chair, rubbing his neck unhappily. The sentiment didn’t last long, merely required another look at Kili’s relaxed sleeping form to vanish completely. A fond smile darted to Fili’s lips. His fingers twitched with the desire to caress the other’s brow, but he contained himself, knowing that Kili probably wouldn’t take kindly to it. He had allowed Fili to hold his hand, which was way more than Fili could’ve imagined just twenty-four hours ago. Seeing his face absent of worry and pain sufficed to fill him with warmth. Touch wasn’t necessary, even though it would’ve made his heart sing.

A tap on his arm caught his attention. Frerin leaned carefully over the foot of the bed, holding his phone out to Fili.

_ Want to grab something to eat? _ , it read.

Fili couldn’t feel his hunger so shortly after waking up, but he knew that it was only a matter of time. He hadn’t really thought about eating since Gimli had told him of Kili’s accident. Solely focusing on being there for Kili, nothing else had seemed important. Also, the candy bar Frerin had got him from a vending machine had probably also helped to banish the worst of it.

Dis smiled tiredly at him once their eyes met. It didn’t take much to understand her promise of staying with Kili while they were gone and so Fili found himself nodding.

“They are going to check on him soon anyway,” Frerin told him after they had stepped outside and closed the door cautiously. “No use in crowding him. Besides, I’m starving,” he whined.

Fili chuckled. “You could’ve fetched something earlier,” he pointed out.

Together they began heading towards the cafeteria.

“I wasn’t sure if the smell of food would make him nauseous and I didn’t really want to leave him alone for long, you know how much hospitals frighten him.”

Fili furrowed his brow with surprise.

“You knew he gets scared of hospitals?”

“I didn’t know the extent of it, but I was with him and Dis when his father died and,” he sighed, “I assumed it left a mark. But I think Dis had no idea up until now, not that I blame her, she was mourning her husband.”

To this Fili could relate. When his parents had died many things had suddenly lost their meaning and hadn’t felt important anymore, some of his closest friends had also been among them. Grief was a strange thing, it didn’t follow a clear pattern, required different amounts of time to begin hurting a little less and sometimes made people lose focus on what was important.

They were silent for the rest of the way. They both ordered a sandwich. While they ate Fili took a pass on another depressing topic in favor of asking about Kili’s new job. He was happy to hear Frerin confirm what Fili had already suspected when he’d heard of Kili’s campaign. Fili couldn’t care less about what Thorin thought of Thranduil; if working for him made Kili happy, he couldn’t be such a bad guy.

Once they had finished off their food, Frerin announced he was going to head over to the coffee shop across the street, claiming the coffee the hospital had to offer tasted more like burned water than anything else. When Frerin asked him if he could get him something as well, Fili declined. He would rather catch some more sleep whenever they finally returned to Thorin’s house and caffeine wasn’t going to help with that.

Fili returned to Kili’s room a couple of minutes later. Intent on letting Kili sleep, at least if he hadn’t woken up during their absence, Fili pushed the door open slowly and carefully.

“I don’t understand,” Kili’s voice reached his ear, causing Fili to halt after just the first few inches. “You were so disappointed.”

“You thought-,“ Dis gasped, taken aback. There was the sudden rustling of sheets. “Oh no, Kili. I wasn’t disappointed with you! Please don’t think that,” she pleaded with him.

Fili was frozen to the spot, unable to move. If he moved… if he made a sound… he would interrupt them… perhaps shut down this conversation that was long overdue and so desperately needed.

“But,“ Kili said, but didn’t seem to know how to continue.

“I  _ was _ disappointed, but not with you,” she told him emphatically. “I was disappointed that… somehow along the way… I must’ve done something… something that made you feel like you couldn’t come to me to talk about your problems.”

Fili swallowed hard. He shouldn’t hear this. This was wrong. This was a private moment between Kili and his mother and he shouldn’t  _ be _ here. But at the same time he was still too scared to move, fearing to ruin whatever was about to get fixed between them.

“I couldn’t figure out what it was. I tried, but I couldn’t think of anything I’ve done differently during the last years, until I heard Fili say how you finally received the acknowledgement you deserved. It got me thinking,” her voice had started to sound slightly choked at the end.

“Mom?” Kili asked, hesitant and worried.

“If your father was still here, he would be ashamed of me. I’ve allowed us to drift apart over his death. I didn’t realize how unfairly I divided my attention, how little praise I had for all the amazing things you achieved. But I promise you, this ends today,” the regret and guilt vanished from her voice at the last sentence, determination taking over instead. “I love you and I couldn’t be prouder to have you as my son. I will do right by you from now on!”

Whatever Kili replied, it never reached Fili’s ears. A hand covered his, pulling the door gently shut and making him jump. Fortunately his startled gasp was drowned by the barely audible clicking noise of the door.

“Jesus Christ!” he hissed shakily as soon as he realized Frerin had come up behind him. “You scared the living daylights out of me!”

“Eavesdropping?” Frerin asked clearly amused. “That’s not the proper way to behave.”

Fili felt his face heating up.

“I didn’t mean to,” he replied hurriedly, the embarrassment of getting caught by Frerin of all people heavy in his voice.

Frerin’s gaze softened. “I know,” he reassured him, before handing him a foam cup.

Fili frowned.

“I said I didn’t want any coffee.”

“I know. That’s why I got you tea. Perfect to you calm your nerves.”

 

*

*

  
  


Kili’s doctor was satisfied with his condition. After giving them some instructions on the proper way of resting with a concussion, Kili was released from the hospital.  Kili heaved such a deep sigh of relief once he was outside, a literal weight lifted from his shoulders.

Back at Thorin’s house most of the family was already waiting for them, but save for a hug or a gentle pat on the back they made sure not to crowd Kili, allowing him to head to his room undisturbed. Fili wouldn’t be surprised if Dis or Frerin had instructed them not to overwhelm Kili, while the doctor was busy explaining to Kili what he shouldn’t do or eat during the following days. So returning was less overwhelming than Fili had thought… although… he’d never witnessed the family deal with hospitalization, maybe this was their usual reaction? If so… well, he probably shouldn’t be surprised.

Dis tucked her son in, much to Kili’s disgruntlement, while Frerin fetched him something to eat. Fili hovered awkwardly at the door, unsure if he was still welcome to stay now that they were back, or if it would be better to give Kili some privacy.

Kili seemed to notice his uncertainty as well. When Dis finally let up on him, his searching eyes found Fili by the door, looking at him expectantly.

“How is your head?” Fili asked in the absence of a better question.

His ex grimaced as if he had just been reminded of the wound again. “It hurts.”

Fili nodded absently. “I will get you some Tylenol,” he informed him, grateful to have something to do.

It didn’t keep him busy for long. By the time he returned Dis had left and Frerin wasn’t around either. Only the bowl with soup on a tray, resting on the bed, indicated he’d been here during Fili’s absence. This surely meant Kili wanted some privacy to relax or sleep or whatever else would help him recover faster. Fili put the medication and a glass of water on the bedside cabinet.

“Thanks,” Kili murmured, avoiding Fili’s gaze as he reached for it.

Fili took this as his clue to leave.

He wasn’t able to do more than a step towards the door, before Kili’s voice, calling his name, stopped him. Glancing at him with surprise, Fili waited.

“Would you stay with me for a minute?”

After the last few days, Fili hadn’t wanted to assume that the other might desire his company, so hearing him ask for it so openly sent a thrill through his body. But the initial hope didn’t last long, instead it was followed by a new sense of dread. This might be the only chance Kili was ready to offer him, if he fucked up now Fili had no doubt things between them would become  irreversibly broken.

“Yeah, of course,” he agreed softly and took a seat at Kili’s bedside.

They were silent for a moment, both of them presumably wondering what to say. Eventually Kili sighed, took a Tylenol and faced Fili with a determined expression.

“Thank you for staying with me,” he said. “At the hospital, I mean,” he added hurriedly.

A small smile tugged at the corners of Fili’s lips. He had already assumed Kili was referring to the hospital.

“You’re welcome. I know you…,” he hesitated for a moment. “-don’t like hospitals,” Fili decided to settle on.

Kili snorted. “That’s one way to phrase it.”

Maybe it was a little too diplomatic for the rapid heartbeat, the sweating and the tremors Kili’s fear of hospitals could induce. But Fili knew Kili could be a little sensitive when it came to his own presumed short-comings. In Kili’s eyes every fear and every flaw hampered him even more in his fight for recognition. This was a topic Fili had learned to treat carefully.

“What I don’t understand,” Kili continued, “is why you stayed.”

Fili frowned.

“You know why,” Fili replied defensively.

Because it was the right thing to do. Because there had been a time when Kili trusted him enough to confide one of his greatest fears to Fili. Because all Fili had wanted ever since he learned the truth was to be worthy of Kili’s trust again. Because seeing Kili hurt and scared had felt like his heart had been replaced with a raw, open wound.

“No, I don’t think I do,” Kili insisted.

Fili grit his teeth. He really wanted him to say, didn’t he? After all the rejection over these last few days, now Kili wanted him to open up. The thing was, Fili wouldn’t even mind so much. He wasn’t ashamed of his feelings. But if Kili only wanted him to speak up, so he could use his words for rejection once more, Fili would rather swallow broken glass.

A little voice in the back of his head tried to reassure him, told him that Kili wasn’t cruel, that it wouldn’t be like him to rip his heart out with a malicious smile. Yet Fili was scared nonetheless.

“Because,” Fili inhaled deeply, trying to slow his rapidly pounding heart. “I still love you. Even after ten months my feelings for you haven’t changed.”

“Even when I made it clear that I didn’t want you to fix things? When I told you we weren’t friends anymore?”

Kili sounded so amazed, it drew a smile to Fili’s lips.

“I don’t know why you sound so surprised. I remember telling this great guy a relationship was never going to happen between us and instead of accepting the rejection he just started to list all the things why I was wrong,” he reminisced with a grin.

“Oh, God!” Kili groaned. A hand wandered to his brow, trying to hide the blush creeping to his cheeks. “When you say it like that I sound like an asshole.”

“No, not at all. It was what I needed to hear,” Fili replied softly. Catching Kili’s gaze he held it with his own. “After the death of my parents I was so scared of losing someone again that I didn’t allow anyone to get close to me. I was isolating myself and you stopped it.”

Fili’s wistful smile slipped as his mind wandered to the incident. Lowering his head he stared at the motif of the blanket covering Kili’s legs.

“Cruel sense of irony, isn’t it? That I didn’t want to be with you in the beginning, because I feared I would end up getting hurt and in truth I was the one to hurt you.”

“Fili,” Kili whispered, voice soft, almost apologetic.

Fili shook his head. He didn’t deserve it.

“Without my parents there were only two things that made sense to me, you and Erebor. My work was the only thing that kept me afloat and then I met you and I could finally feel at ease again. But then this stupid evidence turned up, when all I wanted to do was to prove your innocence and… I tried to make sense of it,” he wiped at his eyes when his vision suddenly turned blurry.  

Fili loved working for the company and he loved Kili, but out of the blue he was supposed to settle for only one of them. It was a decision he couldn’t make in just a day. Maybe it was selfish, wanting to lose neither, but he wasn’t able to just give up his dream job or the man he loved. And so he had tried to compromise.

He should’ve chosen Kili right from the beginning…, look where trying to keep both had gotten him.

“And I know that is no excuse, because no matter my reasoning… I hurt you and I can never take that back. I just… I just wish you would’ve given me the time to cool down… to get over the initial shock, to think clearer. I mean, maybe this is just wishful thinking on my part, but I believe I would’ve understood eventually. I… I would’ve been there for you,” Fili told him desperately.

He still wasn’t able to meet Kili’s eyes, the fear of rejection too great to do anything but wipe over his own again. Taking a couple of deep breaths, Fili tried to stop the quivering of his lips.

“Everyone kept pushing me,” Kili mumbled tiredly, urging Fili to meet his gaze. His eyes looked slightly reddened. “Pushing me to tell them why I did it, what I was thinking and what kind of person I thought I was. The phone was ringing all the time,” he spat bitterly.

Fili gaped at him, aching with the desire to comfort Kili, but uncertain if it would be appreciated if he tried.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Fili wondered breathlessly.

Despite the suspension from work, Kili hadn’t even been safe from the accusations at home and then one day Fili had stepped in, demanding answers as well. It must’ve been the worst kind of betrayal. Distraught, Fili closed his eyes.

“I don’t know,” Kili replied honestly. “I didn’t know how to deal with it and so I didn’t.”

This time Fili threw caution to the wind and offered Kili his hand. It took only a moment of hesitation before Kili reached for it. 

 

*

*

 

In the end they didn’t discuss the incident for too long, partially because Kili looked exhausted and Fili didn’t want to stress him considering the concussion and on top of this, it seemed like none of them wanted to provoke another fight. Not that Fili wanted things to escalate like this, but seething emotions weren’t always the most rational compass.

So they changed the topic in mutual agreement after Fili could convince Kili to eat at least a little of the soup. Fili made good of Kili’s open attitude and asked after Kili’s work on the campaign, to which the other just too happily obliged.

Once again Fili was hit with the observation of how good Kili looked. His eyes shone with pride and contentment as he talked about the process of developing the campaign. Kili was finally where he belonged.

Unfortunately lack of sleep still held him in its clutches. Just when he wanted to inform Kili that he would leave to catch some rest however, the door to the room opened. The tiredness fell from his heavy body as soon as Fili spotted the person that had entered without knocking. Beside him Kili tensed.

“I thought you might like something to eat,” Thorin said, holding a plate with gingerbread men.

Fili narrowed his eyes. If that was Thorin’s idea of an appropriate apology Fili wouldn’t hesitate to give him a piece of his mind. After all, when inviting him Thorin had made it clear that Fili was to come as a member of the family and not an employee of Erebor. As such Fili would ensure Thorin wouldn’t hurt Kili even more than he already did.

“No thanks, we are good,” Kili replied coldly.

Thorin’s hopeful gaze hardened.

“I understand,” he told them with a nod. “But I would still like to talk to you, Kili.” His eyes wandered to Fili’s. “Would you leave us alone for a minute?”

Fili had no plans to follow Thorin’s request after what had happened the last time. But before he was able to make his displeasure known, Kili’s hand snuck into his, holding on to it tightly.

“He stays,” Kili told his uncle firmly. Fili nodded, emphasizing his support for Kili with that simple motion.

Thorin looked them over warily, as if he’d suddenly lost all of his courage now that his words would be heard by more than just one pair of ears. Eventually he heaved a deep sigh.

“If that is what you want.”

“It is,” Kili confirmed, the grip around Fili’s hand not once faltering.

Fili squeezed back reassuringly.

When it became obvious that neither of them was going to change their mind, Thorin cleared his throat and began to talk:

“While you were in the hospital, I had a talk with the others and we recognized that we have made some poor decisions over the years.”

Fili had to suppress the urge to roll his eyes very hard. Why couldn’t Thorin call a spade a spade? He had fucked up. Period. No use in sugarcoating it, especially since it wasn’t done for Kili’s sake but to silence Thorin’s own conscience.

“And we all agreed that an apology is in order.”

And still with the  _ We _ -statement, not  _ I _ .  _ Damnit, Thorin _ , Fili cursed silently.

Kili wasn’t looking impressed so far either.

“But I will be honest, we would need you to tell us where we went wrong. Where we hurt you and where we need to do better.”

Finally a gleam of determination settled into Thorin’s eyes.

“We were arrogant. We are older and we learned to do things a certain way and we never questioned it, because everything had always worked out. We thought we knew better, that there was no way our methods could be wrong, that when we were actually proven wrong only shards remained of our relationship with you. Now I’m not sure anymore how much of it was my fault. I didn’t listen to you, never asked if you needed more than what we were giving you, which wasn’t much to begin with, I realize that now.” Thorin raised his head, meeting Kili’s wide eyes and looked at him with a helplessness Fili had never witnessed before. “I don’t know how to fix this. I only know how to do it the wrong way. So I will need your help for this, to tell me what to do, to be the uncle you need and deserve. Would you help me, Kili?”

Fili observed Thorin slowly, while he and Kili tried to process Thorin’s words. He took in the slightly disheveled hair and the little hunch in his shoulders. His boss was holding himself differently, it wasn’t too obvious, but noticeable for everyone who knew where to look. Perhaps Thorin had truly come to a realization, his speech had sounded honest enough, but in the end his deeds had to prove that he actually meant them.

“You want to fix this?” Kili pressed.

The initial shock had vanished from his expression, making room for the familiar distant mask he’d worn for most of the time he’d spent at Thorin’s house.

“I do,” Thorin assured him earnestly.

“Then stop trying to change me into someone I am not. Apply the same standards to me that you apply to everybody else in this house. Stop expecting me to return to Erebor. These things would be a good start.”

Small tremors were rocking Kili’s body. It was hard to tell if they came from the tension stringing Kili’s body tightly or another emotion he was wrestling with on the inside. Fili didn’t care, just rubbed his thumb over one of Kili’s knuckles to let him know he wasn’t alone.

“I give you my word,” Thorin promised his nephew.

“But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to forgive you just like that,” Kili added swiftly, perhaps fearing his demands could be misinterpreted otherwise.

Thorin didn’t look surprised as he gave an understanding nod.

 

 


	12. 25th December

 

 

Fili woke up bright and early Christmas morning thanks to a loud knock at his door. “Are you decent?” Kili’s muffled voice unexpectedly asked.

Fili lunged out of bed to throw on the t-shirt he had been wearing the day before. “Yes!” he called, straightening his pajama pants. “Come in!”

There was a familiar gleam in Kili’s eye as he entered the room, one that Fili had not expected to see there again any time soon. “Merry Christmas,” Kili whispered. “Did I wake you?”

“Of course not!” But at Kili’s skeptical look, he admitted: “All right, I was dozing. I was thinking about getting up, but couldn’t bring myself to do it yet.”

Kili snorted. “Figured.” Then he held up a bag and held it out toward Fili. “I got you a present.”

Fili blinked, equal parts touched and apprehensive. He had quite forgotten about buying any last-minute gifts after the chaos of the last few days, and even without that complication, he hadn’t thought Kili would want something from him. He certainly hadn’t expected to receive anything from Kili, in any case.

But Fili’s eyes narrowed as a new thought occurred to him. “When did you have time to get me anything?” he wondered. “You’re supposed to be taking it easy right now!”

“Just open it,” Kili said, waving off Fili’s concern. “It’s not much.”

Fili put his protests on hold for the moment -- though he would certainly be investigating whether Kili had made any ill-advised trips into town while still recovering from a concussion. He filed that thought away for later review so he could focus on the bag in his hands, however, and removed the paper that was hiding the object inside from view.

“A… phone charging cable?” he asked, once he finally got a good look at the box inside. He gave Kili a curious glance. “How… thoughtful.”

“Didn’t you say you needed a new one?” Kili blinked his eyes far too innocently. “I couldn’t help but notice you never bought one the other day.”

“Oh, right…” Fili laughed awkwardly. “Well, uh, obviously that was just an excuse…”

“I know,” Kili cut in with a smirk.

Fili smiled back, but he had a feeling it was weak. “Sorry about that,” he finally began. “I shouldn’t have tried to force you to spend time with me that day if you didn’t want to.” He sighed and sat down on the bed. “Looking back, I could have handled this whole thing a lot better.” He glanced over at Kili. “Thanks for hearing me out yesterday, though.”

There was an odd look on Kili’s face at that, and he appeared to hesitate with something for a moment. Then he sat down next to Fili. “It hasn’t been  _ all _ you, you know,” he said, sighing. “I haven’t exactly made this easy.”

Fili smiled hopefully. “Does this mean you’re going to now?”

“Of course not.” Kili snorted and gave Fili’s shoulder a light shove. “Where’s the fun in that?”

“Yeah, I figured.” Fili rubbed at his shoulder, his stomach suddenly tense. He had been nervous the day before, afraid that he might mess up his one shot to make things right with Kili. Although it appeared they had come out of that conversation relatively unscathed, Fili still wasn’t sure what was next for them, if Kili just meant to clear the air, or if they were going to try to mend their friendship. He didn’t dare to hope for more than that, despite what he had confessed the day before.

He let out the breath he had been holding. “So what’s next, then?”

Kili glanced down at the comforter they were both sitting on, unusually quiet. “I want to give you a chance to make this right,” he said at last. “Because I didn’t do that before.” Then he swallowed and looked up. “I realized after we talked yesterday that I… could have also handled things differently. Better.”

“But I understand now, why you reacted that way,” Fili insisted.

“That doesn’t mean that leaving you the way I did was the best decision.” Kili glanced down again with a grimace. “So, I’m sorry too. I wish I  _ hadn’t _ reacted that way.”

It was hard for Fili not to reach out just then, to take Kili’s hand just as easily has he had the day before in the hospital. “Why?” he settled for asking, and when the silence stretched too long, he added, “What made you decide to come here for Christmas, Kili?”

Kili stared at him. “Tauriel,” was his blunt reply.

Fili blinked. Before he could stop himself, he began to laugh. “That’s… not quite the answer I was expecting.”

“It’s the answer to your second question. The easier question.” Kili bit his lip. “To be honest, I wasn’t going to accept Thorin’s invitation at first. I was still angry -- I didn’t want to see any of you. But then Tauriel suggested that coming here might be good for me, and I… I thought I might regret it, if I didn’t.”

Fili inched a bit closer to Kili. “And? Do you think you made the right choice?”

“Forty-eight hours ago, I would have said no. That this was the dumbest decision of my life. But now…” Kili’s lips twitched, a slight break from the somber mood that had suddenly descended on their conversation. “Now, I’m starting to think Tauriel was right. You do have a good heart, Fili.”

Fili felt his face heat at the unexpected compliment. “She said that?”

“She’s  _ been _ saying that.” Kili laughed and shook his head. “I think that’s the only time we’ve ever argued, really. She found your message on my phone--”

“My message?” Fili cut in. “What message?”

“Oh, the uh… the last one you sent.” Kili had turned a surprising shade of pink. “Anyway--”

Fili wasn’t about to let the topic of conversation slide. “You kept that message?” he asked, aghast. He couldn’t imagine what Kili could have wanted with that particular message, the one where he had begged Kili to pick up the phone and talk to him. It had taken so much out of him to leave it, and in the end it had only made him sound pathetic. Kili wasn’t the kind of person to cruelly hang on to something like that.

But Kili didn’t look contrite, just embarrassed. “I didn’t  _ intend _ to keep it,” he said, poking at a loose thread on the comforter. “It actually really pissed me off at first, how you said you still loved me at the end, because I didn’t think it could possibly be true. Not after you refused to even hear me out. But then… the more I listened to it…” Kili paused for a moment, as if he couldn’t decide what he wanted to say. “The more I  _ wanted _ to believe it. I felt my resolve slipping. And I couldn’t let that happen. So I sent you that text message--”

“Asking me to stop calling you.”

“Yeah.” Kili nodded his head. “But then... it hurt, when you did. Because I realized then that you were really out of my life for good.”

Fili gently touched Kili’s arm, observed his unsteady breathing, his rapid blinking. This was quickly becoming a more emotional conversation than he had bargained for, and he wasn’t sure if this was the right time. “Should we be having this conversation now?” he asked, running his hand along Kili’s arm. “You’re supposed to be taking it easy.”

“I just want you to understand why I did what I did,” Kili said earnestly, like this was something he needed to get off his chest, “and that it wasn’t easy for me.”

Fili attempted a smile. “I know. Now, why don’t we go downstairs--”

“No, let me say this,” Kili insisted, pulling Fili back down to sit with him. He looked Fili in the eye and took a deep breath. “I gave up too easily. After how hard I fought to convince you to give me a chance at the beginning of our relationship, it’s a bit ironic that I was the one who ended it without a fight, isn’t it? You reminded me of that yesterday.”

Fili held his breath, the echoes of their emotional conversation the day before all too apparent. He didn’t want to let himself hope, but he wasn’t sure how else to interpret the direction that this conversation was starting to take. “What are you saying?” he breathed, his voice incapable of asking any louder just then.

Kili just looked at him, his eyes swimming with a myriad of emotions. “That I love you, too.” 

His voice was thick, and, when it seemed that Kili couldn’t bring himself to say any more for a moment, he reached out to take Fili’s hands. That contact seemed to compose him, and he took a deep breath, continuing: “That’s why I’ve been so angry, because even after everything, I _ still  _ loved you. I couldn’t just shut it off. But I couldn’t risk, after what you said…” Kili trailed off, as if he couldn’t decide how to phrase what he wanted to say. He exhaled heavily. “I just had to focus on being angry instead.”

And somehow, that made sense. Fili readjusted their hands, took a deep breath. “Do you think you’re ready to let go of that now?” He couldn’t let himself ask the question that he really wanted the answer to, too afraid that Kili would say no.

But Kili didn’t. “I can try,” he whispered, and before Fili had a chance to respond, he leaned in to brush Fili’s lips with his own.

It was a barely-there kiss that was over so quickly that Fili would later wonder if he had imagined it. And yet it had been enough, just enough, to remind Fili of how long it had been since he had last had this, and how much he wanted it again.

Fili leaned forward, hoping to recreate that kiss and deepen it, but Kili immediately backed away.

“I’m not trying to be mean,” Kili whispered, squeezing Fili’s hand. “I’m not good with doing things slow, but that’s how this has got to be, after everything that’s happened. Don’t let me rush this.”

Fili closed his eyes and took a deep breath. A part of him was hesitant now, reluctant to take this chance -- to let Kili in again after everything that had happened, only to have him disappear again.

But he wasn’t the only one putting something on the line here. And he also saw the sense in easing back in -- that there was no guarantee they could ever recapture what they once had, as hard as that was for Fili to admit. But if Kili was willing to try despite that, then so was he.

At long last, he nodded his head. “Thank you,” he whispered. He disentangled one of his hands to run it down along Kili’s cheek. They both smiled. “I swear, I won’t throw this chance away.”

  
  


*

*

  
  


They emerged from Fili’s room sometime later to join the others downstairs. They were holding hands again, and Kili’s extended family were staring, some -- like Thror -- not even bothering to be discreet. Fili supposed he couldn’t blame them; in the days before, holding Kili’s hand could have been written off as a show of support, but now with Kili up and about, it was harder to explain. But it seemed Kili was content to leave the rest of his family guessing, and Fili decided to follow his lead.

The morning was spent opening presents and eating Christmas cookies (as there really were quite a lot of the latter). Gimli eventually suggested they turn on the television, and soon they got a chance to see Kili’s television spot again -- this time with sound.

The others were quick to shower Kili with praise this time, to Fili’s surprise. Perhaps a few of them were overdoing it -- Gloin was quick to pronounce the ad as the greatest commercial he had ever seen -- but even so, it was clear the others were trying to make up for their past neglect. It was also obvious that Kili, while pleased, wasn’t entirely sure how to react to the sudden attention, unusually indecisive as to whether he should accept the compliments or protest. But still, Fili could still tell he was touched.

Now, they just had to hope it would last.

Despite that inkling of doubt, Fili’s chest swelled. If the others kept it up, he was sure they would learn to moderate their praise in the future and sound more sincere. That was a big question for now, but Fili had to hope this would be a turning point, and not an anomaly. 

But if it was, then at least Fili would make sure that Kili had him from now on. As well as Frerin and Tauriel, and anyone else who would trust in what Kili was capable of.

It was then that Fili caught Thorin’s eye from across the room, the expression on the older man’s face unreadable. Fili couldn’t help but wonder what he must be thinking -- that Kili had apparently granted Fili forgiveness, but not him. For a moment, Fili thought about approaching Thorin to explain that he and Kili were still working things out, that he still had a lot to make up for, just as Thorin did. After all, Fili hadn’t forgotten how Thorin had reached out and invited him for the holidays, even though he didn’t have to. There  _ was _ a kindness in Thorin, even though it was oftentimes hard to see.

That didn’t excuse his mistakes, of course. But Fili had to hope that Thorin would keep his word to do better. If Thorin could do it, then surely Fili had a path forward with Kili as well.

All in all, Fili wasn’t sure where he and Kili were headed -- they were far from out of the woods, but yes, at least the path was there. A year from now, perhaps the two of them would be sitting right here again, together -- not as if none of this had ever happened, but at least more confident in where they stood. Things had changed a lot since the previous Christmas, after all; Fili couldn’t help but hope things would change again before the next.

Fili was abruptly pulled out of his thoughts as the others began to laugh at something Frerin had said. Kili turned to look at him then, his face alight with one of the first truly honest smiles that Fili had seen there in a very long time. Fili couldn’t help but smile back, committing the look on Kili’s face right then to memory. 

He would be the one to put that smile back on Kili’s face someday. That was a concrete goal that he could work toward.

Trust, once broken, was an incredibly difficult thing to piece back together. But difficult didn’t mean impossible. And, if they both wanted this to work -- as Fili knew he did -- then the odds were surely in their favor.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading, leaving kudos and commenting! We hope you enjoyed our collab! :D


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